Twilight: Breaking Dawn Review

You’re curious about that subject line, aren’t you?  I figured it would draw the page views.  Trust me – it’ll work.

Now, on to the real topic at hand.

I really, REALLY want an English accent.  This is partly because I’ve been watching Doctor Who so much recently.  How fantastic is it to have your favorite television show streaming on Netflix?  Pretty darned, my friends, pretty darned.  It is also partly because of all the fantastic Britishy words I want to be able to say without being mocked.  I like “mental” as a descriptor for someone insane.  It sounds very intelligent, doesn’t it?  And “blimey” is also quite expressive.  Try it out.  Linger over the first syllable: “Bliiiiiiiimey.”  Oh, it works. 

Sort of like having glasses, a British accent fools the average bystander into believing that you are just awfully clever.  I can’t tell you how much having glasses has helped my reputation, at least after the little bump in grade school when they were just a source of mockery.  And now that I have the bifocals without the line, people don’t even try to attribute my obvious intelligence to the wisdom of old age anymore.  That’s nice too. 

When I was in college, an acquaintance of mine went off to England to study for a semester and came back with a very noticeable British accent.  As I was speaking to her one day, I commented “Picked up a bit of accent there, didn’t you?”  Her response was positively scathing.  “It’s not an ACCENT,” she hissed.  “It’s just speaking PROPERLY.”

Do you think that’s what everyone in England thinks about us?  Not that we have a different accent, but that we’re just too stupid or lazy to speak properly?  Do you think our cultural gap is so great, that even me having glasses wouldn’t make them think me smart so long as I have an American accent? 

Also, for you Twilight fans who stuck with me: the movie was okay.  Jacob had his shirt off in about the first eight seconds.  The scene with the werewolves mentally chatting with each other was dopey.  The sex scene made me blush.  And they skipped the part where Bella projectile vomits blood.  Darn.

Uno

I woke up this morning to the cat vigorously licking my fingers.  I do find this disturbing.  What if she gets tired of licking and goes in for a nibble?  Sure, a little scrap of flesh is nothing I’ll miss, but once you have the taste for Megan, that craving doesn’t just go away.  It’s one short step from the nibble to the full-out “I hanker for a hunk of, a slab or slice or chunk of, I hanker for a hunk of hand,” and bob’s your uncle, my pinky finger is gone, down her throat, and me left with a stump and an innocent looking cat staring at me wide-eyed and contemplating my toes for a midnight snack.

This is one reason why I am being very careful to feed her regularly while Papa Bear is in Korea (by the way, did you know Papa Bear went to Korea for Thanksgiving?).  You would think I’d be conscientious because she is, after all, one of God’s creatures and I am the embodiment of all that is good and kind and right in this world, but it’s all just a self-defense tactic to keep from being eaten in my sleep. 

In other news, here’s a snapshot of what I made for dessert today. 

It’s got a dozen different names, but my favorite one I’ve seen is “Sedar crack.”  I used the recipe here: http://smittenkitchen.com/2009/04/chocolate-caramel-crackers/.   

I put hazelnuts on one side and sea salt on the other.  

I’ve never made this before, but I have had it and it was insanely delicious.  It’s cooling now, so we’ll see later if it’s any good.

Meat Spread

I am always surprised that when I tell my friends of the culinary delicacy that is meat spread they respond by blanching, swooning, barfing, or fainting.  Cultureless cretins!

Let me tell you about meat spread, the most succulent dish of my childhood.

First, take some leftover pot roast.  The pot roast should have been cooked the night before and stashed in the fridge in a Ziploc overnight.  When you take it out of the fridge, the Ziploc transparency should be obscured by a layer of grease.  That's how you know it's ready.

Screw your meat grinder to the edge of the counter (you do have a meat grinder, don't you?).  Start to feed chunks of the leftover meat into the grinder, swearing vociferously as you do so.  Those piquant phrases add a little extra spice to this recipe.  You could trim some of the fat from the meat before you begin, but honestly, you don't have time for that, so let's not bother.

Once you have a bowl of succulent ground meat, it's time for the Miracle Whip.  What's that?  You want to know if mayo is a good substitute?  God, no!  That's sick.  Miracle Whip or nothing.

Glop several heaping spoonfuls of Miracle Whip into the bowl.  Don't be shy, pile it on in.  Now, add a bunch of relish.  I forget if it's dill or sweet, so maybe try some of both.

Mix, mix, mix.

Next, get two slices of white bread.  Not the fancy artisanal stuff -- make it Wonder bread.  Better, make it a grocery store knock-off of Wonder bread.  It must be cheap!

Spread your meaty concoction (now you know where we get the name!) over the white bread.  Don't miss the corners!  You ruin the sandwich if you miss the corners.

Now consume.  Masticate.  Delight in the slight crunch of the relish.  Swirl the bolus in your mouth, let it mingle with your spit.  Swallow.

Yeahhhhhhh.  That's good eats.