Is the table a doctor?

Papa Bear and I had to compose a dialog for our Russian class today. We've only had three lessons so far, which means that we only know the alphabet and 73 nouns. No verbs, but since the verb "to be" is implied in Russian, we can make sentences without it. Here's what we've got:

Papa Bear: My eye is a Lutheran.
This One's Too Hot: My eye is a Lutheran. My arm is an Englishman.
PB: Is the table a doctor?
TOTH: Yes -- doctor, friend, mother.
PB: What is the table's name?
TOTH: Truth.
PB: Word.

Shit, we're deep.

Marry, Fuck, Kill

One of the most fun games around, second only to "One, Two, Three, He's Yours!" is "Marry, Fuck, Kill." You name three people, then challenge someone to tell you which of them they'd marry, which they'd fuck, and which they'd kill. As with all quality games, most of the fun comes from mocking the person's choices.

So, let's play!

From The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe:

a. Susan, Lucy, Jill
b. Reepicheep, Eustace, the dwarf in "Prince Caspian."

From Star Wars:

a. Yoda, Han Solo, R2D2

From Harry Potter:

a. Ron, Harry, Hermione
b. Malfoy, Snape, Hagrid
c. Firenze, the Mer King, Dobby

From Various:

a. Woody Harrelson in Zombieland
b. Woody Harrelson in Cheers
c. Woody Harrelson in real life

Post your answers to the comments, kids.

You know, it's posts like this that get me labeled "That Chick Who Likes to Fuck Rodents," but I'm okay with that, since we're discussing serious issues. Issues that need to be voiced, need to be acknowledged, need to be considered thoughtfully if we as a society are ever going to start the healing process.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over (insert issue here)—that our lives had become
unmanageable.

Cartoons are turning me into a zoophiliac. I just can't help myself.

Wow, it feels good to have admitted it.

The Tramp, Justin from Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh, Simba . . . These cartoons trot a panoply of ideal males in front of me, and I'm not supposed to fall for them? Their humor, their hair, their bad boy appeal -- it's a recipe for love. Under these circumstances, I ask you: would it be right to discriminate against them based on their species?

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Please, Disney, please! Commit to cartoons where the male protagonist is human, and I believe that I can return to a normal, vanilla fantasy life!

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Oh, King Triton, God of the Sea, if you can make Ariel human, couldn't you help me out with a few of these others? Or just pick one, any one! It's up to you.

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Though truthfully, I'd prefer the Tramp. He was my first animated love.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Wait, I was wrong. I doubt the Tramp's capacity for faithfulness. Since Simba would be prettier than me, I should go with Justin.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

And I am absolutely ready to have you transform him anytime. Wait -- anytime before he dies in the book. Switching from zoophilia to necrophilia sounds like a lateral move.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Pretty please?

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

No persons -- just a lot of dead kittens. Or does that not apply to girls?

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Any dead kittens for whose deaths I am responsible, I humbly beg your pardon, but let's be honest: you've seen Simba. You'd've done the same thing.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

I think this step's mostly filler, don't you? There's a reason why there are only Ten Commandments; no one was like "And number 9? Check it out again. Still sure you haven't been coveting your neighbor's wife? 'Cause they're real tight asses about that one. You should double check."

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Om. Om. Om. OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

(I am good at the meditation part.)

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to zoophiliacs, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Ima gonna get right on that spiritual awakening. Right after I'm done watching Robin Hood.

Hey! At least they're walking on only two legs! It's a step in the right direction.

Why, Robin, what a very long arrow you have . . .