Be of Good Cheer

Efficiency Expert

2011-12-04T23:02:00.000-06:00

Tonight I was a model of efficiency. I did my homework while my laundry was washing, got my masturbation out of the way while the laundry was drying, and now I'm ready to go to bed!

Clearly I am a role model for you all!

I don't want to do my homework . . . la lala la la la lala laaaaaaaaa

2011-12-04T19:09:00.001-06:00

I really don't. My homework tonight is something I have been postponing for most of the semester. "Write 4 reading responses to the readings . . ." Bleh. I have done three, and the last one is due in no more than 4 hours.

The problem is that my first three were truly excellent. They were amazing pieces of research and tied disparate events, readings, and techniques together with grace and panache.

(What's that? You think I'm being arrogant? Bitch, please. This is me being humble!)

But tonight I'm unmotivated. I'm far more interested in staring out the window and counting how many times the police pass by after Papa Bear called them to report the five gun shots we heard earlier. That's how a lazy Sunday night ought to be spent. None of this malingering over dull homework. Sigh.

Motivate me! Give me your inspirational words!

Handjob, Bland Job, I Don't Understand Job

2011-12-03T23:18:00.000-06:00

2011-12-03T23:15:00.001-06:00

Catticus Finch

2011-12-03T12:00:00.000-06:00

The cat seems to think that because she spent 30 seconds licking my hand, I am either morally or legally obligated to scratch her head with that hand.

I refused. She insisted. I ignored her. She bit me.

She can take this to the courts, but as she is lacking a signed contract and now has a history of using violence to resolve disagreements, I am confident that my side will prevail.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Review

2011-11-24T20:16:00.000-06:00

You’re curious about that subject line, aren’t you? I figured it would draw the page views. Trust me – it’ll work.

Now, on to the real topic at hand.

I really, REALLY want an English accent. This is partly because I’ve been watching Doctor Who so much recently. How fantastic is it to have your favorite television show streaming on Netflix? Pretty darned, my friends, pretty darned. It is also partly because of all the fantastic Britishy words I want to be able to say without being mocked. I like “mental” as a descriptor for someone insane. It sounds very intelligent, doesn’t it? And “blimey” is also quite expressive. Try it out. Linger over the first syllable: “Bliiiiiiiimey.” Oh, it works.

Sort of like having glasses, a British accent fools the average bystander into believing that you are just awfully clever. I can’t tell you how much having glasses has helped my reputation, at least after the little bump in grade school when they were just a source of mockery. And now that I have the bifocals without the line, people don’t even try to attribute my obvious intelligence to the wisdom of old age anymore. That’s nice too.

When I was in college, an acquaintance of mine went off to England to study for a semester and came back with a very noticeable British accent. As I was speaking to her one day, I commented “Picked up a bit of accent there, didn’t you?” Her response was positively scathing. “It’s not an ACCENT,” she hissed. “It’s just speaking PROPERLY.”

Do you think that’s what everyone in England thinks about us? Not that we have a different accent, but that we’re just too stupid or lazy to speak properly? Do you think our cultural gap is so great, that even me having glasses wouldn’t make them think me smart so long as I have an American accent?

Also, for you Twilight fans who stuck with me: the movie was okay. Jacob had his shirt off in about the first eight seconds. The scene with the werewolves mentally chatting with each other was dopey. The sex scene made me blush. And they skipped the part where Bella projectile vomits blood. Darn.

Uno

2011-11-24T13:09:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning to the cat vigorously licking my fingers. I do find this disturbing. What if she gets tired of licking and goes in for a nibble? Sure, a little scrap of flesh is nothing I’ll miss, but once you have the taste for Megan, that craving doesn’t just go away. It’s one short step from the nibble to the full-out “I hanker for a hunk of, a slab or slice or chunk of, I hanker for a hunk of hand,” and bob’s your uncle, my pinky finger is gone, down her throat, and me left with a stump and an innocent looking cat staring at me wide-eyed and contemplating my toes for a midnight snack.

This is one reason why I am being very careful to feed her regularly while Papa Bear is in Korea (by the way, did you know Papa Bear went to Korea for Thanksgiving?). You would think I’d be conscientious because she is, after all, one of God’s creatures and I am the embodiment of all that is good and kind and right in this world, but it’s all just a self-defense tactic to keep from being eaten in my sleep.

In other news, here’s a snapshot of what I made for dessert today.

It’s got a dozen different names, but my favorite one I’ve seen is “Sedar crack.” I used the recipe here: http://smittenkitchen.com/2009/04/chocolate-caramel-crackers/.

I put hazelnuts on one side and sea salt on the other.

I’ve never made this before, but I have had it and it was insanely delicious. It’s cooling now, so we’ll see later if it’s any good.

Blog, humbug

2011-11-20T21:31:00.000-06:00

Friends, we are reaching that dismal time of year when those of us whose skin has actually fused to our keyboards will be searching the internets frantically for something new to read, and come up empty. Yes, folks, it's that rotten Thanksgiving time again.

In honor of the holiday, I will be providing THREE postings that day to keep you entertained. How can I do this? For starters, this is the first Thanksgiving in about four years where I will not be secretly working. Plus, all my homework is done.

So, come back on Thanksgiving and be assured of something to read!

Meat Spread

2011-11-17T10:17:00.002-06:00

I am always surprised that when I tell my friends of the culinary delicacy that is meat spread they respond by blanching, swooning, barfing, or fainting. Cultureless cretins!

Let me tell you about meat spread, the most succulent dish of my childhood.

First, take some leftover pot roast. The pot roast should have been cooked the night before and stashed in the fridge in a Ziploc overnight. When you take it out of the fridge, the Ziploc transparency should be obscured by a layer of grease. That's how you know it's ready.

Screw your meat grinder to the edge of the counter (you do have a meat grinder, don't you?). Start to feed chunks of the leftover meat into the grinder, swearing vociferously as you do so. Those piquant phrases add a little extra spice to this recipe. You could trim some of the fat from the meat before you begin, but honestly, you don't have time for that, so let's not bother.

Once you have a bowl of succulent ground meat, it's time for the Miracle Whip. What's that? You want to know if mayo is a good substitute? God, no! That's sick. Miracle Whip or nothing.

Glop several heaping spoonfuls of Miracle Whip into the bowl. Don't be shy, pile it on in. Now, add a bunch of relish. I forget if it's dill or sweet, so maybe try some of both.

Mix, mix, mix.

Next, get two slices of white bread. Not the fancy artisanal stuff -- make it Wonder bread. Better, make it a grocery store knock-off of Wonder bread. It must be cheap!

Spread your meaty concoction (now you know where we get the name!) over the white bread. Don't miss the corners! You ruin the sandwich if you miss the corners.

Now consume. Masticate. Delight in the slight crunch of the relish. Swirl the bolus in your mouth, let it mingle with your spit. Swallow.

Yeahhhhhhh. That's good eats.

2011-10-23T18:53:00.000-05:00

Today I was supposed to go on a tour of a Montessori school. I was excited because our class has been reading a lot about Montessori schools and I wanted to see how the classroom is set up. Is Montessori a better education model than traditional public schools? If I ever have kids, I really like the idea of home schooling, but the sad fact is that I would get bored with it very quickly. So I like the idea of exploring other models.

Our class was greeted outside the building by a woman who, I think, owned the school. She handed us each a clipboard, and I thought that it would be a survey or something. You know, “Have you ever visited a Montessori school?” or “Do your children go to Montessori schools?” To my surprise, it was a release form.

Among other things, the form advised me that by signing it I would be agreeing not to sue the school for any injury caused to me either by my own negligence or theirs. Furthermore, I would be agreeing to pay for any damage caused to the school by me – or anyone else!

I swear, that was honestly on there. I spend a lot of time at my day job reading various contracts and parsing out the tiny details, and I am quite sure I was interpreting this correctly.

Why, pray tell, would I agree to pay for damages caused by someone else? Am I a charity? Am I Uncle Moneybags? What the hell? And there were no limiting factors even, such as time periods, that would release me after the visit. I simply would agree to this for all time.

I laughed and laughed and laughed, and returned my unsigned waiver to the insane woman who seemed to think that taking a tour was worth me risking receiving a bill from her anytime from today until the end of time. Funny, she seemed a bit offended by my laughter and by me pointing out to my classmates that her terms

were batshit crazy. I can’t imagine why.

I do not blame my classmates for signing the waiver. Some of them are deeply interested in Montessori schools for professional reasons, and they decided signing the waiver was worth the calculated risk. It is, after all, extremely unlikely that anything will ever come of that waiver. Very unlikely. Very extremely unlikely. And some of them had come from very far away for the class. So I can understand their perspective.

However, my points are these:

1. I make a practice of reading everything I sign in full. I am not going to sign without reading first.

2. I don’t see the point to signing away my rights unnecessarily.

3. I don’t want to encourage batshit crazy lady by seeming to approve with her form.

So silly.

2011-10-04T20:12:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I just want to share really inappropriate things with the world, like how I cut myself with my fingernail while masturbating rather agressively last night and how now it kind of hurts to walk, and I feel sad because I can't post that to Facebook, and then I remember that I have this blog and no one here will judge me.

Um, right?

Doctor Who

2011-10-02T10:36:00.001-05:00

Last night was the last episode of this season of Doctor Who. I don't have cable, so I bought it off of Amazon.com this morning and watched it on my laptop. I love, love, LOVE that we live in a world where I can do that. I watch only one television show, so paying for any cable package would be a massive waste of money. But for just $1.99/episode, I can watch the whole 13 or 14 episode season and be out less than 30 bucks. Why, yes, I do sound like an advertisement today. Don't care; I'm stoked to get that much entertainment for so little money. Suck it, cable companies. I will never, ever pay your extortionist prices ever again.

So the episode was fantastic. Before I go on, I'm going to explain my policy about spoilers. I don't declare that there will be spoilers. I don't hide behind a cut. I don't make them invisible until you highlight them. If I start off by saying that I watched the last episode last night, I expect you to be intelligent enough to realize that I am going to talk about Doctor Who in detail, and you need to not be a whiny baby about what I say.

And the episode was great. I really loved every bit of it. I went in knowing that the Doctor had to die to save the universe, and I also knew that he's currently filming the Christmas special so some jiggery pokery must've gone on to keep him alive for that, but I wasn't sure what it would be. I assumed his Ganger had returned and died in his place. Or that his Ganger returned and that he died, but the Ganger went on. I was so happy to find out that it was neither, but the return of the shape-shifting time police instead. Like the Doctor, I will never get tired of tiny time traveling people in a shape-shifting body. Not one bit.

I loved that the Doctor married River Song, I really loved when River and Amy had a glass of wine together in their backyard, I LOVED Amy's office in the train (I desperately want an office in a train), I was appalled by the train tracks running through the Pyramids, but totally in love with the idea as well (oh, I'm a bad historian), I loved Madam Kovarian getting killed but I wish it had been with much more blood and gore, I loved it all.

So all that said, you'll understand when I say that I am really tired of reading things online bagging on the show, the scripts, the writers, the directors, blah, blah, blah. This is television. And while I'm not saying television isn't art, it is art that is created under a pretty fucking intense timeline. I am sick to death of absolutely everyone on the internet being such a goddamn critic. No, it wasn't perfect. But the focus is always on what wasn't ideal, complete with such overdramatic statements as "oh, now that character is ruined" and "Now I'll never watch this show again" and "it was cheap" and "it was a copout."

Television isn't perfect! It's imaginary! Suck it up and get over it!

From the Archives

2011-08-20T09:58:00.000-05:00

Have something to eat? Well, I just couldn't; I already had a leaf of iceberg today, and I'm simply stuffed. No, I never watch what I eat -- why, I just eat anything I want anytime I want! I'm such a pig! I mean, really -- a whole leaf of lettuce!

Well, I was going to go to bed after I ate my lettuce, but then I decided to stay up late and work on the choreography of the interpretive dance I'll be performing with a dozen of Chicago's homeless for the benefit dinner to save the Beached Whale of Baja California. Of course, staying up late will mean that I'll be fatigued come time for my 4:00 am Bikram Yoga class -- of course, teaching the class wasn't my idea; I'm just a humble student of the asanas, but the head of the Southern California Coalition of Bikram Yoga Masters begged me to take a class, and I just couldn't say no -- but I think that the plight of the Beached Whale of Baja California is just too serious a matter to ignore. I'm sure our benefit dinner will really shine a spotlight on the tragedy going on before our very eyes -- and, I flatter myself, on my Hawaiian pineapple, ginger, and almond gateau on coconut creme Anglaise. It is simply sublime; not that I've ever actually tried it myself, but on one occasion the limo of a Saudi prince happened to have a flat tire outside of my home, and while the chauffeur was changing the wheel, the prince expressed his desire to see how regular, middle class Americans live, so I gave him a tour of the gardens on my estate. I must say, I simply thrive when I'm gardening. It's amazing how gorgeous my gardens are, really, when I have a black thumb -- why, it's simply black straight up to my elbow. On that day, the gardens were really an absolute disaster; there'd been a stiff wind an hour before, and Juan -- I call them all Juan, they don't mind a bit -- hadn't quite finished picking up all the leaves that had been shaken loose from the trees. What a disaster that was! Why, my dear, Juan wanted to use a rake of all things! I could hear the spirits of the grass screaming, so I told him that he'd take a rake to my lawn over my dead toned, tanned, and nubile body, and I flung myself to the ground under his rake. Of course I worried that I would anger Juan, rouse him into one of those Latino passions one sees on Telemundo when the help happens to leave it on -- but if I have to be ravished for a good cause, so be it. I have my principles. Anyway, Juan gave in quickly, so I set him to picking the leaves up one by one, placing them gently into a coconut lined wicker basket in which we'll burn them on the next Solstice, sending their spirits to rejoin the earth as we thank them for the many shady days they provided us. So, you can understand why the grounds were still somewhat leafy when the prince and I were out for our stroll. I was worried he'd be offended, but then I thought, no, he said he wanted to see how the average American lives, so he'll just have to take his lumps. Anyway, after we'd toured my complete collection of California bulbous monocots in the Lily and Amaryllis families, I asked him if he'd mind sampling a bite of this new dessert recipe I'd been working on; I've been developing it for some time, but I as I'm violently allergic to ginger, I haven't been able to try it myself. What? Why am I inventing a dessert I can't even eat myself? Why, for the pleasure of others, of course! Nothing makes me happier than bringing a little joy into the life of another traveler on Spaceship Earth.

Privacy

2011-07-23T17:08:00.000-05:00

So, I'm part of a group who has to give a presentation on "Challenges to User Privacy, e.g. RFID" next Thursday. We have 8 minutes. We're meeting tomorrow to start planning.

This is part of a Masters of Science program in Library and Information Sciences, so we'll likely approach it from a librarian point of view. We're NOT being graded on it because they want to encourage us to experiment and go crazy.

I am open to any ideas anyone may have, whether they be content or technologies you've used in the past for presentations! If we film it, we'll probably put it on YouTube so everyone can watch it.

By the way, I am NOT leaving this to the last minute; we were just assigned our groups and topics today.

Texting with Papa Bear

2011-06-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

Me: I just got hit in hard by the bus driver.
Him: Is your mouth full yet?
Me: Mmppphhh mmrrpphh?
Him: That's what I thought.

What part of "Holy fuck, you idiot, it's WINTER!" do you not understand?

2011-03-01T23:17:00.000-06:00

Today at work, I felt a cool breeze carressing my cheek. This is bad. It means that despite my granny sweater and the space heater and the plastic on the windows, some errant winter has crept in and is . . . blowing on my face from a vent?

But wait! No cool creeze should be coming from the vent. We keep the heat in there this time of year.

I got up and checked the thermostat. Some utter dillhole had turned on the air conditioning. I turned it off and sent the following email to my office:

"All,

It is March in Chicago. Do NOT turn on the air conditioning. If you are hot, take off a sweater, bring in a fan, crack a window, ask to have the heat lowered, or step outside for a moment. But do not, not, not turn on the air conditioning!

Cordially,

Megan"

Pissy? Yep.

I shortly received a response:

"Megan – I turned on the AC yesterday as I was burning up and needed to cool it down. We need to think about the plastic on the windows when it warms up and we can’t open the windows."

Signed? My boss.

Oh, fucksticks.

2011-02-27T21:23:00.000-06:00

Someday we'll all find out what happened next in Turkey. Meanwhile, if you find that you have a red flash drive you don't recall owning, you should probably send it to me as it has all the pictures and the next chapter of the trip on it.

2010-12-02T07:55:00.002-06:00

Just to save you the effort of desperately refreshing this page every ten minutes, the next section of the Turkey trip won't post until Friday or Saturday. Between work and school, I haven't had a second to resize the pictures the next part calls for, so I haven't been able to post. Sorry about that!

Trip to Turkey: Part 4

2010-11-28T23:33:00.000-06:00

I’ll speak only occasionally after this about the food in Turkey. I assure you, friends, one does not visit Turkey for the cuisine. As my soon to be friend Jameel called it, Turkey is the Land of the Kebab, and when you’re a vegetarian, the land of the kebab doesn’t have all that much to offer you, I’m afraid.

We went looking for food that night, just wandering down the street with the tram to see what we could find. We eventually settled on a place where they were just in love with us. There is a such a thing as too good customer service, I think. The proprietor and a couple waiters absolutely hovered over us the whole meal, and I couldn’t finish fast enough, I was just so nervous at being watched while I ate. The most outstanding thing in that mind about that meal was the bread they brought us as a starter. Here it is:

It was fine, not so tasty as naan, but okay. It was mostly distinctive for its shape: a massive hollow football resting on, not sitting in, a wicker basket. We tore off bits of it and dunked it in various sauces, and that was nice.

It’s hard to remember exactly what we did the rest of our time in Istanbul. See, we got to Istanbul on 7/23, then left for Selçuk on the 25th. I think for those couple days we just saw the palace and poked around a bit. Oh, and we went to the Hippodrome, which is about as anticlimactic as the London Bridge; we had no idea we’d walked across it until we focused on the map and realized that must’ve been it. I’d tell you to skip it if you go, but you’d probably accidentally cross it like we did on your way to the Blue Mosque or something. We came back to Istanbul a week later and did an absolutely shit ton more, so we’ll be back here.

So on the 25th, we took a bus from Istanbul to Selçuk, about a 10 hour ride. Buses in Turkey are a major part of transportation. The bus station is massive -- sort of like an airport. There must be 30 or 40 different bus lines. The one we chose was CamilCoch. Yeah -- Camel Coach. I snickered over the name. The bus had a steward, just like an airplane would, who came around and gave us a cookie and su and a little moist towelette to clean up with. He was very sweet to us. And the cookie was delicious! A shortbread cookie, with a thin layer of orange jam, and then a layer of chocolate sprinkles on top. Num. On the bus, we met a sweet girl from Turkey on her way home after finishing the school year in England. She'd just done her exams in what was the equivalent of senior year of high school. She had to take 20 or 25 exams she said, on 7 different subjects. Crazy. Her British accent was amusing though, kind of a lower class accent where she said "fink" for "think" and so on. I wonder how she wound up with that variety of accent? Did she learn that way, or did she pick it up from her schoolmates?

In Selçuk we stayed at the Kiwi Pension Hotel. Kiwi? you might be asking yourself. Is Turkey known for its kiwi or something? Not so much. You see, there’s a very strong Australian contingent in Turkey. Selçuk is quite close to where the Battle of Gallipoli was fought and it’s a big tourist attraction for Australians, especially college students on vacation. It’s a big, big deal to them, so there are a lot of little motels around there owned and run by Australians catering to the Australian populace. We happened to get one of them.

Here’re a few pictures of my room in the Kiwi Pension:

Looking at that bathroom, you will note that it VERY happily has an actual flush toilet. I'll talk at greater length another day about the horrors of the squat toilets. The shower was also distinctive for being just a corner of the room with a drain in it. One day the curtain bar fell down, and there went the shower.

We stayed in Selçuk for 4 days because there was SO FREAKIN’ MUCH to see. The first night we went out and found some little sidewalk dive to eat at. The food was fine, but again, I can’t remember what it was. There were a zillion little kitties begging for food, and they were just adorable. Honestly, if you don’t like cats, you should probably avoid Turkey. You’ll go insane.

The first day we had to figure out how to get to the attractions we wanted to see that day, the House of the Virgin Mary and the ruins of Ephesus. We ended up getting a taxi that took us to both, though the driver ABSOLUTELY butt-raped us by charging 120 liras. Madness! Happily, I think that was the worst pocket violation we suffered on the trip.

We hit Mary’s House first. The legend behind the place is that after Jesus died, his disciple John headed on over to Turkey to Ephesus to convert the folks there, and he built Mary a house in the hills near Ephesus. See, you couldn’t have Mary, mom of God, living in the same town as a whole bunch of Artemis worshippers, right? So she got a house on Mt. Koressos, and there she chilled until she got Assumed. Assumpted. Whatever.

So, here’s a picture of Mary’s House – sort of. This is a pic of what they rebuilt in the spot where they found ruins of another house. Am I the only one here opposed to rebuilding sacred shrines? It just doesn’t seem right. “Restoring” sounds nicer, but honestly, hardly any of this is original stuff; most of it was rebuilt in the 1950’s.

Here’s a picture of the Prayer Wall of the Virgin Mary. For those of you curious, toilet paper or tissue is the preferred medium for your requests for miracles.

Here's a picture of an unanswered prayer. Sorry, Timmy, maybe you can find another saint to cure your cancer. Mary suggests you not use a knock-off brand of Scotch tape next time.

Here’s a picture of the Garden Hose of the Virgin Mary. There wasn't a plaque anywhere to tell me if this was the original garden hose or a reconstruction of the original.

And that was the House of the Virgin Mary. We did get a couple drinks at the Café at the House of the Virgin Mary and Marc posed for a couple shots. Then we headed back down the hill to where our taxi driver was waiting and chatting with another driver, walking past about a dozen different booths set up to sell souvenirs to the faithful. We passed on those.

Honestly, the thing I disliked most about Mary’s House was the excessive use of crosses in the rebuilt version. Imagine if you will that you had a son who was killed by a murderer wielding a gun. Then imagine that Extreme Makeover: Home Edition feels sorry for you and builds you a house – that they decorate from top to bottom with guns. A little insensitive, right? When you get right down to it, this whole cross-as-sacred-thing is a bit shady. Why the hell are people venerating the murder weapon? People are fucked up, yo.

Moving on. Our driver took us next to . . . THE RUINS OF EPHESUS! This was one of my favorite parts of the trip. Funny, until this moment, I’ve been thinking of them as my first ruins, completely discounting the ruins at Mary’s House, which just don’t count at all. Sucky, sucky ruins at Mary’s. I liked the place, but there wasn't much ruiny about it.

Here’s what Turkey looks like as you drive from Mary’s House to Ephesus:

You might be thinking right now that you have no idea what Ephesus is, but if you happen to be Catholic, try imagining a priest intoning “And now, a letter from Paul to the Ephesians.” Sound familiar? Yeah! Those Ephesian folks lived in Ephesus. Ephesus used to be this major port city, with more than 250,000 people. It was the second largest city in the world for a while (at least the western world). Now you really don’t know why you’d never heard of it and you’re deploring your shoddy education, aren’t you? It had many crazy adventures – earthquakes, conquerings, fires and all – but it eventually died out because of its harbor. See, they had this great harbor which gave them access to the Aegean Sea (which meant trade and prosperity; trust me when I say "invest in harbors," kids; they're gonna be big ), but this river feeding into the harbor kept filling it up with silt. They tried to empty it, but you can only fight nature for so long (I’m talking to you here, Venice), and the populace shrank and shrank and shrank until the 1400s when everyone finally left.

And now, a ton of photos from Ephesus.

This is Marc with a cat. As I was ready to dash off into the ruins, Marc spotted this feller, shrieked “KITTY!” and skipped over to greet it.

Ruins!

Animal ruins!

Odeion ruins! Yeah, I totally slipped and fell. It was completely inevitable and I was glad to do it and get it done with. This place was used for shows and sometimes meetings. At the time it was used, it would've had a cover overhead and 1200 people could've sat there.

From upper Ephasus, you can wander on down to lower Ephasus via Curetes Way. The Curetes pop up in a few different places in mythology and ancient history, but in this context they were these folks whose job was to help out in the recreation of the birth of Artemis. Heavy Artemis worshippers, remember? Their specific task was to make a lot of noise with their weapons so that while Zeus was busy doing it with Leto, or maybe while Leto was giving birth, Hera would be totally distracted and not realize what was going on behind her back. Poor Hera.

Greek inscription! Ephasus was Greek before it was Roman, and anyway, they were a major port and had to be multi-lingual. Ten bucks to the first person to correctly translate it.

Marc reading something. Is that a letter? A letter to the Ephisians, perhaps?

We will have our little jokes.

Okay, I thought I could get us through Ephasus tonight, but I was wrong. We'll pick up here tomorrow. Everything is all written out; it's resizing the photos that's taking forever!

Trip to Turkey: Part 3

2010-11-27T18:59:00.000-06:00

We stayed in our rooms until the heat of the day had passed and then we ventured out to eat. We were in a quite good location; just a short walk from the Bazaar, the palace, and so much more. Out at dinner, I got a tomato salad of some sort. The plate came heaped with tomatoes -- awesome! Then when I starter eating it, I realized the tomatoes were drowning in olive oil. Meh. I did eat the top part, which was quite a lot, but the bottom where everything was completely covered, I left.

On our way back to the hotel, we decided to stop in the Grand Bazaar. We just couldn’t wait any longer! In case you don’t know, the Bazaar is this mall that’s been open since 1461. It’s an immense place with twisty-turny paths through store after store. Wikipedia will tell you it has 1200 shops, but the pamphlet I picked up in Istanbul says over 4000. No one really knows, I guess, since even after you’re outside the main walls, the stores just keep going, and I think those are counted as part of the Bazaar as well. When it comes to counts, though, I think all authorities will agree that the Grand Bazaar has 75,000,000 cats. They were everywhere. Spot the cat in the picture below:

As malls go, the Grand Bazaar is very intimidating. You know that scene in Aladdin where Princess Jasmine is wandering through the marketplace and everyone is trying to sell her something? Yup, it’s just like that, only more aggressive. Being very obviously from another country didn’t help, either. It was like we were wearing signs on our backs that said “I am a rich foreigner desperate to give you my money! Just keep asking and I’m sure to hand it over!” We ended up dashing through much faster than we had wanted since to stop by a shop was almost like agreeing to buy something. Very sticky to deal with! We headed home for the night, stopping only at a stand on the way to buy a Magnum.

A note on Magnums: reading this, you think I’m telling you that we bought condoms or guns (or both). In Turkey and most of Europe, the Magnum is the most magnificent ice cream bar imaginable. Picture it: a chocolate shell, a thin layer of caramel, another chocolate shell, and then chocolate ice cream with chocolate chunks mixed in. Fantastic. You can buy a Magnum in England, Turkey, China, or Australia, but NOT HERE! Truly, we are the most deprived country in the world.

The next day, we went down to breakfast. We took the elevator down to the basement floor from our rooms on the 4th floor. The elevators made me chuckle. It’s very small and tight, and the door into it is a proper door, like you go through to enter your house. No other door; just that one.

Every place we stayed had a free breakfast; this is pretty common. Almost every day I ate cheese, bread, and tomatoes for breakfast. Definitely good! Watermelon, which I unfortunately do not like, was also at every breakfast. Marc loved it.

The first thing we did that day was head down to the docks to get ferry tickets for our trip to Asia later that week. Do you realize that by going to Turkey, I have now visited three continents since Turkey straddles Europe and Asia? That, friends, is efficiency. We trotted on down to the docks, had some difficult conversations, and eventually bought some tickets we couldn’t use for various reasons (really, it was awfully complicated). Then we headed back up to town and went to the Topkapi Sarayi, a Turkish palace.

Before we actually went in, we wandered around the area a bit, checking out the neighborhood, and eventually deciding to get some ice cream from a booth. The boy working the booth was wearing the first fez I saw in Turkey, and for almost the entire time the only people I saw wearing fezes were employees of touristy type shops. The boy put us through this very act someone else put on YouTube. I think Marc was a little less than pleased at first, since he was being made the butt of the joke, but we both got into it before too long. I laughed my fool head off. The whole time the kid was doing it he was saying things like "Yes! He's incredible! He's fantastic! He's amazing!" By the time we left, there was a healthy line behind us, and I think it was partly due to the good cheer we brought to the boy’s act. I confess, I pride myself on being a good audience member.

We ate our ice cream which was tasty and covered in finely crushed pistachios (best idea ever!), but the ice cream itself was a bit chewy. Marc thinks it was because of whatever ingredient was holding it together for the shenanigans.

After that, we went up to the palace. It’s called a palace, but it’s not one building; it’s an estate of different buildings, including the Harem, the Imperial Treasury, the Tower of Justice, the Audience Hall, the Library of Sultan Ahmet III, and my personal favorite, The Circumcision Room. Back in its heyday, over 4000 people lived there. From the fifteenth century though until 1856, the Turkish sultans lived there.

Getting in to the palace was a mere 20 liras, but getting into the Harem and Eunuchs’ Quarters was another 15 liras. I just hate getting double charged like that. In should be in! They do that at the Art Institute here, and it just drives me mad. When I go to Disneyland, I don’t have to pay to get in and then pay more to ride the rides; it should be the same at these other places, by gum. Just be honest with me at the door; I promise I won’t walk away. The harem was worth it, though, and I can at least claim to have visited a harem. The only thing I didn’t like was they had put these mannequins into the rooms to recreate the Queen Mum and her attendants. Mannequins, as all sensible people know, are creepy.

Here is a better shot of where the ladies of the harem chill while they're waiting for something to happen:

And when His Royal Sultaness deigns to pay a visit, this is where he chills:

Speaking of Disneyland, the entrance to the palace really does look a bit like it with towers and parapets and everything you could ask for in a palace.

My favorite thing about the palace grounds was this really awesome tree we saw. Don’t you think the kids who lived there probably played in this tree? The hollowed out part would make the perfect clubhouse.

We hung out in this courtyard area for a while, the Courtyard of the Apartments of the Queen Mother, just chilling and enjoying the ambiance. Plus, our feet were starting to hurt a bit. There were these kids there playing with these crazy tops and I decided to get some for my nieces and nephews first chance I got. And I did, so if you kids are reading this, way to spoil your Christmas surprise.

It was around lunchtime, so we decided to hit the Topkapi café and have some lunch. There was a nice enough buffet set up, so we went and grabbed some food. I had some cheese pastry thing that ended up being much too hot for such a sultry day and some French fries. We went to a table and ate and just enjoyed the day. Before too long, I was having some significant caffeine cravings. Look, on a typical day I drink 2-3 diet Cokes and that gets me through my life. Giving it up cold just because I was in another country was awfully tricky, so I decided to go buy a soda, fully aware that it would cost more than in the US. Marc caved too and asked me to grab him a Fanta.

I bought the two sodas and spent a whopping 18 liras for them. Holy shit. When I went back to the table, Marc asked me how much it was so he could pay me back. I told him 9 liras and he started to hand me 4.5. “No, dude,” I said. “Nine each.” I don’t recall exactly what he said then, but I’m pretty sure it was an expletive of some sort.

We wandered around more after that, hitting some shops. I got a delightful winter hat for some ridiculously cheap price. Before long, it was mid-afternoon and we decided to sit in a coffee shop for a couple hours and let the heat pass us by. Marc was definitely disappointed in me here. Marc, as you can see in the picture below, was smoking a hookah, one of the two definitively Turkish activities in which I declined to participate. “Megan, Megan, Megan,” Marc sighed. “We must shake you out of your comfort zone.” But! I protested. I’m in a whole other country on a whole other continent! I’ve never been so far out of my comfort zone! And we left the argument there.

Marc was kind enough to say “Whoooooooooooo. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaare. Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?” for me while smoking. Ah, we do have our fun.

Eventually we decided to head back to the hotel on a tram. We hopped into the ridiculously crowded car and were standing, as usual, packed in tight with dozens of other people. And still more people crammed on at each stop. I kept getting pushed farther and farther into the tram, until I had people pressed in on me from all sides. Here's what a tram looks like as it zooms by. You can see the people pressed against the windows.

Okay, here’s the good part! Behind me, I sort of felt something pushing into me. I thought maybe it was a hard-on, but then I thought that was my imagination running away with my horniness. Still, it kept pressing in, sort of rhythmically, like I was being humped a bit. Again, really being humped or just the sway of the train pushing someone into me? I wasn't quite sure.

Ah, but then I felt the hand. On my ass, cupping a cheek. Haha, I was right! I knew it! I love being right! I love when –

-- when I feel a hand start to pull my skirt up? Well, no, not that. Horny and titillated though I might have been, I did have a line, and getting fucked on a train in public is that line. Regretfully, I tried to move away from the person behind me, and I jostled Marc a bit in the process. “Sorry!” he said to me, a bit huffily. He thought I was upset because he had hit me with his elbow, but also clearly thought I was being a bit unreasonable since we were in an overpacked sardine can, and it’s not like he had much control over that, right? I almost laughed right there.

We got off at our stop a moment later and I explained to him that it wasn’t his elbow I was trying to get away from, but a potential father of my children. I turned around to try to see the guy – was I getting groped by a handsome and daring young man? An ancient pervert? Who? Marc says he had seen the guy and he was quite good looking, but I’m still not sure if he was saying that just to spare me the knowledge that a 90 year old camel driver had squeezed my butt. Nevertheless, we agreed that the seed of Onan was certainly being spilt somewhere in Istanbul over me that night.

New Crush

2010-11-26T21:13:00.002-06:00

I suppose I forgot to mention that I have finally managed to finagle a new crush. Finally! It's the first one really since Eye Candy morphed into the Candy Formerly Known As Eye and Metra Man revealed himself to be Gay Bill.

It's a boy I work with and he has the requisite excellent sense of humor. I don't know much else about him, but as I suspect we have little in common, I'm happy keeping it that way.

So, what should we call him in this journal when I sigh and flutter over every single exchange we have? Here are the names to vote on:

1. Eye Candy: The Undiscovered Country
2. Eye Candy: A New Hope
3. Eye Candier

Or you can suggest a write in candidate name.

Trip to Turkey: Part 2

2010-11-26T12:09:00.003-06:00

After I got my through customs, snagged my luggage, and got some Turkish liras, it was time to head to the Barin Hotel. But first – Starbucks. Yeah, for reals. See, I had my itinerary on my computer. Owing to the extreme time crunch at the beginning of the trip (see: missed my fucking plane), I hadn’t had a chance to print out the schedule. And my laptop battery was dead. So I went to the Starbucks there in the Ataturk Airport, bought some water (a common theme through this trip), and sat down to charge my battery. I found the email from the hotel telling me I could take a shuttle or the tram and that they were “less than 500 meters from the stop!” Well, that sounded easy.

I decided to take the tram (which is basically just light rail) instead of a car because of the hubris of living in Chicago. If I can navigate my way through the Metra and el and CTA buses and Pace buses and trolleys and water taxis, SURELY I can manage the same in another country whose language I don’t speak, right? Of course I can!

I found an all-too-friendly airport employee and asked him where to go to board the tram. Boy, he did not want me to take the tram. It was, by the way, about 10 in the morning, so it’s not like I was taking trams through a mysterious country in the dead of night. He told me it would take forever and the directions I had been given were ridiculous, but not to worry my little head, he would find a nice strong man to take me to a shuttle to take me to the hotel . . .

I thanked him politely and walked away. He was so dumb! And no, this wasn’t a language barrier thing; this guy spoke great English. I had been told to take the Aksaray tram and get off at the Zeytinburnu stop, then switch to the Kabataş line and get off at Lelai-univercitie. This guy was making a big deal out of the directions telling me to go all the way to Kabataş, when Lelai-univercitie was on the way there. I tried to explain that I thought Kabataş was just the name of the line, but the guy blew me off. Thanks, but no thanks, Mr. Airport Guy.

I eventually found my way to the tram, and my next struggle was getting a token. I just couldn’t get to the token machines! If there was a line anywhere, I couldn’t find it; just hoards of people crowding in. It was a conundrum, you know? You’re a stranger in another country and you want to make a good impression and be polite, but the only way to get a token seems to be by shoving everyone aside. I did wait for about 15 minutes, but I finally gave up hope that a way would clear itself for me and I started shoving. I don’t think anyone was too offended, but I did feel bad that I was starting off my trip behaving in a way I consider to be rude.

So, I bought my tokens and boarded the tram. It was about half an hour, I think, to Zeytinburnu, and I made it with no trouble. The tram did get extremely crowded, though. It was a lot like the el on a Cubs game day where you are squished in like sardines. Transferring went off with only a little trouble; I managed to get turned around and exited the station after paying my jeton (token), so I had to buy a new jeton and try again.

Another 20 minutes and I was finally there – Lelai-univercitie! I was in a hilly part of town with lots and lots of stores around. I looked around for my hotel and figured it had to be on that street, either to my left or right. I figured I’d wander in one direction for about 500 meters, and if I didn’t find it, I’d turn around and wander in the other direction for about 500 meters.
That was probably my biggest mistake of the trip. I sorts of thought it would be obviously visible after I got off, but I was wrong. I wandered up and down that street, whose name I never did figure out, by the way, despite spending lots of time on and around it during my trip. We just always called it “the street that the tram is on.” Anyway, I wandered all over hells half acre and caught not a glimpse of the Barin Hotel. At about this time, I realized I didn’t even have an address for the place! I was doomed. There were a million tiny hotels in this part of town, all over the street with the tram and all over every tiny little side street. I wandered up and down and down and up. Worse still, the safety pin holding my skirt on had broken, and my clothing was falling off a bit to boot. And it was a million degrees out. I stopped to buy water twice. (About that time was when I learned my second Turkish word – su. Water.)

On the plus side, I got to know the people of Istanbul very well, since I asked all of them for directions. They had trouble understanding my pronunciation of the hotel name -- I must've been butchering it. I was trying to get to the Barin Hotel, and first I was directed to the Berlin Hotel, and then to the Baron Hotel. I nearly cried when I wound up at that second one; I was so sure I was going to the right place that time. Anyway, eventually I wrote the name down and had greater success after that just showing it to people. (In case you’re wondering, “Barin” is correctly pronounced “bah-REEN.” Now you know.)

The taxi drivers, as it turned out, were the key to finding the place. I asked one who asked another who started stopping taxis as they went by and asking them where it was. I finally got directed down a twisty side road, up another, and around, and there, at last, was the Barin Hotel. It was the sweetest sight of my life.

My poor friend Marc had been waiting for me there, worrying and worrying. It was about 3 o’clock in the afternoon, so of course it could’ve been much worse, but he knew my plane was supposed to get in at 10ish, he knew there had been trouble getting out of Chicago, and he knew – not a lot else. Of course I had turned off my cell for the trip; no way was I going to get hit with insane international fees! Marc dashed to my room and very sweetly brought me a delicious cheese sandwich his friend’s mom in Bulgaria had made him that morning before he took the train to Turkey, a candy bar, and more water. That cheese sandwich was phenomenal. We have crappy, crappy cheese here, my friends. And crappy bread. We shouldn’t be allowed to host people from other countries, our food is so bad. There should at least be a disclaimer at all our international airports: “WARNING: Our food sucks. Sorry about that.”

So I ate. And I showered. My favorite thing about that room was the bath towels – they came down to mid-calf. I love that! My least favorite thing while I was there was that the TV came on automatically when I entered the room.

I found out later I was wrong about the TV. Electricity in hotels in Turkey (and, I’ve heard, various parts of Europe) works a lot differently than it does here. I had a key to my room (an actual key, not a card), and I also had a plastic bar sort of thing on a ring with the key. When I went into the room, I had to shove the bar into a slot in the wall, and that turned on the electricity. No bar, no power. Definitely no leaving on the lights or (god help me) the air conditioning while you were out. But anything that was on when you left came on when you came back, which is why the TV came on and I thought it was automatic.

The air conditioning everyplace we stayed was also interesting. I spent 20 minutes looking for a thermostat when I got there, and I finally called Marc and he explained to me: there were remote controls for the air that you had to get from the hotel front desk. I was so relieved to have air conditioning, really. It was a very hot and humid time of year in Turkey, and I’m not sure how well I’d’ve done without it.

You know, I take that back. I am a spoiled girl now, but when we were growing up, the air conditioning used to break fairly often. I’d’ve soaked a wash cloth and dealt with the heat. I can survive just fine!

But it was nicer not having to survive.

Trip to Turkey: Part 1

2010-11-25T23:45:00.001-06:00

Without going into the whole big song and dance about it, I missed my flight from Chicago to New York on Thursday. That sucked veryvery extremely hard. After being threatened with rebooking fees amounting to about $1000, a little common sense finally came into play, and I only had to pay $50. See, if you miss your domestic flight, you can switch to a flight later in the day for $50. If you miss your international flight, you're supposed to have to rebook the whole thing, pay the difference between your original ticket and the new ticket, pay a $250 penalty . . . The list goes on. I pled with them that I hadn't missed the international flight, just the domestic leg, and if I took the next domestic flight, I'd still have hours to go before the international, so I certainly wasn't going to miss that one. I don't know what turned the tide in my favor -- the logic, the desperation in my voice, the phase of the moon -- but they waived just about everything. I would've had to cancel the whole trip if they hadn't, so major, major relief.

On to the flights! Chicago to New York was a little puddlejumper. The only outstanding thing about that flight was that when we were approaching for a landing, the man to my left was looking out the window to my right so intently that when I turned from the window just to look forward I saw that his head was thisclose to mine. Crazy! Personal space, dude!

There was an amusing interlude in New York. While waiting in the airport for my flight, I overheard a conversation between a guy and the ticket counter. Seemed he needed to take a later flight to Paris because he forgot . . . his suitcase. Yup, just left the whole danged thing at home. Forgotten passport? Fine. Forgotten ID? Who hasn't done that? But your suitcase? Honestly, I don't think you can be trusted alone in a foreign country.

Eventually he decided it would be cheaper to pick up a few changes of clothing in Paris than to take another flight, and considering the $1000 penalty I faced, I had to agree with him.

New York to Istanbul, the flight I feared most, was just plain awesome. I had gambled with booking my seat. A couple days before the flight, I logged on and saw that there were a couple rows of 3 seats together with no one in them. I considered picking a seat on the end, figuring that I'd have a shot at an empty seat between me and someone else, but then I decided to court chance, and court it with flowers and candies and jugglers and balloons I did. I picked a middle seat, thinking that most people wouldn't want a seat next to someone if they could try another row. And it worked! I had three beautiful seats to myself for the 10 hour flight. I raised the arms and slept. It was lovely.

Also of note on this flight was the in-flight trivia game any passenger could play. The flight wound up with me still in first place against many other competitors. I wish they gave out prizes for that, like flight vouchers or something. I wish that they would publicly declare the woman in seat 37D the Queen of the Flight. I wish that everyone realized that the fake name I had used was someone from Ravenclaw house in Harry Potter, so they didn't have a prayer against my brains!

I wish many things.

The plane got into Istanbul relatively on time, and I deboarded into my first foreign country! (We aren't still counting Canada as a foreign country, are we? If so, I guess you could call Turkey my second foreign country, but it just sucks having to declare America Jr. your first foreign country.)

I deplaned and -- I walked. And walked. Walked some more. Little further. Little bit past that. Then a whole bunch more. Customs was far, far away.

I went through Customs and paid my $20 for the the privilege of spending money in their country. Seriously, people, I know that the $20 is just my punishment for coming from a dick country, but I'm still not a fan. Stupid $20.

I am, by the way, officially confused about the Customs and Visas and stuff, so if you' re going to quote me on this stuff -- don't. I stood in one long line, paid $20, and got a sticker. I stood in a second long line and got a stamp.

The second long line was where I first saw the best idea anyone in Turkey has ever had -- fans. As soon as I could, I bought my very own fan to wave at myself. Brilliant! I don't know why these things haven't caught on in Chicago summers, but next summer, I'm making them popular. Stupid to stand on the train platform sweating or waving a book at myself when I could be using a device designed to waft air at me.

Texts from Tonight

2010-11-25T23:03:00.004-06:00

With Papa Bear off visiting his family, we've been forced to take our witty repartee to texts. Some highlights:

Highlight #1:

Me: My sister says that my mom told her that you're moving in with a girl from North Carolina or North Korea, she can't remember which.
Me: It hurts to hear about it this way.
Papa Bear: I am??? And I think it's hot either way.
Me: It hurts, dude. You went to my mom before me. What else do you two talk about?
PB: Love life knitting. Everything really. She and I have become close.
PB: Ps - your mom is awesome for realz.

Highlight #2:

Me: Sometimes when leia licks my breast, she has this look on her face that says, "Stop me. I dare you."
PB: I've seen that look.

Highlight #3:

Me: Traditionally I am the good cop. You'll need to find a bad cop.
PB: No I think you should be the bad cop.
Me: Why?
PB: I think tradition isn't playing to your true talents.
Me: Why do you think I have bad cop talent?
PB: You have a simmering aggression waiting to be unleashed upon a perp.
Me: Only if the perp is walking behind me on a night I happen to be thinking of scary things.
PB: That wasn't aggression. That was terror.
Me: The rest of my aggression has only been aimed at objects, not people. If you need someone to play bad cop when you an interrogate an umbrella, I'm your girl.
PB: I think that is misplaced. You'd really shine under the hot hard lights of the interrogation chamber.
Me: It is true, I do tend to shine while under something hot and hard. It's a talent.

We have a good time here.

2010-11-25T13:57:00.002-06:00

Don't you just hate how the internet practically shuts down on Thanksgiving? No new content, unless it's Thanksgiving-related.

Here's my proposal: give me a topic and by 8:00 pm Central I will produce for you a fascinating, lengthy-ish posting for you. There is one condition: your topic must not be boring to me.

Hit me.

Bestiality (I can't wait to see the keyword searches this title hauls in!)

2010-11-14T11:09:00.005-06:00

Papa Bear was out of town for a few days and when he came home, I had to have a difficult conversation with him.

Me: Dude, I'm so sorry, but I molested your cat while you were gone. Or maybe she molested me, I'm not quite sure.
PB: Hot!!!
Me: Which one?
PB: Both. So what happened?
Me: While you were gone, she snuggled in my bed with me at night. One morning I woke up to her licking my breasts.
PB: Uh huh. But where was she licking?
Me: Sort of here (pointing to a spot below where cleavage would show but a fair distance above nipples).
PB: Yeah, that doesn't count.
Me: Uh . . . it felt like it counted!
PB: No, anything non-nipple doesn't count.
Me: But my nipples are over the line?
PB: Your nipples are North Korea. Anything else is fine.

We have good times here.

2010-11-07T00:05:00.001-05:00

My nipples are North Korea. Discuss.

One in Ten

2010-10-05T22:35:00.003-05:00

I have a personal policy of doing approximately one in ten of the crazy things suggested to me. And, as a good, subservient roommate, I try to indulge the crazy suggestions of Papa Bear whenever I can. Therefore, when he demanded that I be waiting for him at home tonight between the sheets in a sexy negligee, I went for it.

He came home, and I was in the kitchen, baking cookies and wearing a slip with a piece of paper taped to the front and another to the back.

This is how our roommateship thrives.

Imposed Sexism

2010-08-24T22:17:00.003-05:00

Man, it just chaps my hide when a movie imposes sexism in its version of a book. First "Prince Caspian" was crazy sexist (okay, the book was too, but the movie was worse), and now "Cheaper by the Dozen."

I am of course referring to the 1950 version, and not the appalling 2003 travesty. We will speak no more of that.

In the book, there's a touching chapter revolving around Mr. Gilbreth and his daughter Lillie, aged about 10 at the time, I think. Mr. Gilbreth takes sealed bids from his kids to determine who will paint the back fence for the least amount of money, and Lillie wins the contract with her ridiculously low bid of $.47, the amount she needs for a pair of roller skates she's saving up for.

She paints everyday after school for weeks. She gets blisters, sunburn, and exhausts herself to the point that she can hardly eat or sleep. Her mom wants her dad to release her from the contract, but he refuses, saying that she needs to learn that she must honor her word, and letting her off won't teach her that.

Eventually she finishes. She goes to her dad in tears and says something like: "There. It's finished and I hope you're satisfied. Now may I please have my 47 cents?" He gives her $.47 cents, a kiss, and -- a pair of roller skates. Awesome parenting.

Now, here's how it goes in the movie:

Mr. Gilbreth: Now, do I hear any reasonable bids?
Lily: Uh, I bid 47 cents.
Mr. Gilbreth: 47 cents?
Lily: Please, daddy, let me do it!
Mr. Gilbreth: Tell me: how'd you happen to hit on 47 cents?
Lily: I've been savings to buy a pair of roller skates and that's how much I need.
Mr. Gilbreth: But you're going to get skates for your birthday!
Mrs. Gilbreth: Frank!
Mr. Gilbreth: Oh, I'm sorry, lillie. I wasn;t supposed to let that out of the bag.
Lily: Oh, daddy, that's wonderful! Thank you, thank you!
Mr. Gilbreth: Besides, that's too big a job for a little girl like you!

And the job goes to one of the boys for $2.50.

Way to suck, 1950.

2010-07-14T06:54:00.002-05:00

I know that my steady, twice-daily patronage of my local Starbucks during these harsh economic times has probably meant that a few of the employees here have been able to continue making regular payments on their Vespas, but I do think that they're just much too happy to see me.

I went in this morning, and first the perky, plump redhead greeted me. "Megan!" she gushed. "Your hot chocolate, of course!" and bustled off to prepare it. "Megan!" Vicky the Stepfordian cashier exclaimed. "How are you, Megan? Doing okay, Megan?" Then from behind me -- the guy from the evening shift, in to get a coffee of his own: "Well, hey, there Megan! Fancy seeing you here again!"

Look, Starbucks folks. I'm glad you like me. Sometimes it's your approval that's all that gets me through the day. But it's too much. You're like that boyfriend who steals your toenail clippings and wears them in a vial around his neck so that a part of you will always be with him . . . always . . . forever. Please don't be that guy. And please tell me that you don't keep the cups I throw out as keepsakes.

2010-07-05T19:55:00.002-05:00

A cornocopia of items of interest:

First, and of the utmost importance to all readers, my birthday will be taking place again this year. It happens to fall on the same day as last year, July 11th. I expect all of you to call me with glad tidings at 773-764-4069. If you don't have something nice to say, say something dirty.

Second: zomg, I'm going to Turkey in 18 days! I'm excited and terrified. One cool thing: I have calculated in US dollars how much I'll be spending on hotels for the 13 nights I'll be there (4 different hotels, as we'll be moving around a bit), and the whole shebang, with tax, comes out to . . . $589.48. Wow. That's an average of $45.34/night. Pretty good! Want to see where I'm staying?

Here: http://www.barinhotel.com/
And here: http://www.kiwipension.com/
Then here: http://www.helenhotel.com/
And finally here: http://www.nezihotel.com/english/

Any advice for a first time world traveler? How to stay entertained on an airplane for +10 hours? Must-have items for traveling? A recommendation for a decent camera for an amatuer without delusions of grandeur to take?

Thirdly, I made a fool out of myself today, attempting to parallel park. As a sidenote, everytime I spell "parallel" properly, unaided by any sort of spellcheck, I feel a little thrill. Parallel. Parallel. Pararararllellelelllelelelelellllel! It's a fine word, the sort of word you'd want to take home to meet your parents. In regard to parking, however, it sucks ass. Arizona may be a stinking cesspool of racism these days, but one thing you can say for the place, by gum, is that it doesn't mess around with any of this parallel parking, no sir. Straight in, straight out, you're done. We call that urban planning, bitches. Look into it.

Fourthly, Papa Bear is in Lebanon this week, having wacky adventures, no doubt. The cat and I miss him. We'll just have to take comfort in each others arms in his absence.

Fifthly, Lake Shore Drive is the only road I know where I can drive 15 miles over the speed limit and still be left in the dust by everyone. And there's a whole lot of everyone to be left in the dust by! I don't know who they're kidding with their little speed limit signs on that road. It's not even that people look on them as a suggestion; no, they see them as an insult.

That's all for now.

Because We Know Best

2010-06-21T22:22:00.002-05:00

Hey, kids, Papa Bear and I have decided to finally gift the rest of you with the benefit of our collected awesomeness: we're writing an advice column. We're just getting started, so the blog it'll be on is hideous, but you can look to BecauseWeKnowBest.blogger.com in a couple weeks for the answers to everything. And if you'd like to have a question answered, you can email it to us at BecauseWeKnowBest@gmail.com.

2010-05-22T17:37:00.002-05:00

Without ever realizing it, it's very easy to work yourself into an auto-pilot sort of groove. Your body knows how to do the tasks that you do over and over again without any real instruction from you. In fact, my brain is so very happy to turn the thinking over to my hands, I often can't explain how to do something in Excel if my hands aren't on the keyboard doing it. I'm that automated.

Which is why I really want to strangle both Google and Wikipedia right now. They've each recently done some revamping -- "To make your user experience BETTER!", no doubt. And I am going nuts. When I do a google search, my finger starts sliding the mouse toward the first link without my brain getting involed -- but now it's all moved just a bit to the right. And I keep missing.

Wikipedia is much worse. Much! The moved the stupid search box all the way to the right side of the screen! My hand doesn't want to move the mouse there; it cramps up! And how are they improving anything? How can they possible justify such a completely random move? If they really wanted to improve it, they should have made it so you could move it to anywhere on the screen and fix it to that position for future searches.

I may just be the fussiest human alive.

Don't Be Haters, yo

2010-05-02T20:13:00.002-05:00

I can't figure out if this is just a Chicago thing, or if it's just my family that's insane, but when I tell people here that I like green olives on my pizza, they look at me with the same revulsion as if I had confessed to a fondness for diced baby hands as a topping. Green olives are delicious! Black olives are okay, but pretty dull. The green ones have a little punch, a little je ne sais quoi that sets then apart.

Don't be hatin' on me.

Is the table a doctor?

2010-04-30T06:45:00.003-05:00

Papa Bear and I had to compose a dialog for our Russian class today. We've only had three lessons so far, which means that we only know the alphabet and 73 nouns. No verbs, but since the verb "to be" is implied in Russian, we can make sentences without it. Here's what we've got:

Papa Bear: My eye is a Lutheran.
This One's Too Hot: My eye is a Lutheran. My arm is an Englishman.
PB: Is the table a doctor?
TOTH: Yes -- doctor, friend, mother.
PB: What is the table's name?
TOTH: Truth.
PB: Word.

Shit, we're deep.

Marry, Fuck, Kill

2010-04-27T21:54:00.003-05:00

One of the most fun games around, second only to "One, Two, Three, He's Yours!" is "Marry, Fuck, Kill." You name three people, then challenge someone to tell you which of them they'd marry, which they'd fuck, and which they'd kill. As with all quality games, most of the fun comes from mocking the person's choices.

So, let's play!

From The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe:

a. Susan, Lucy, Jill
b. Reepicheep, Eustace, the dwarf in "Prince Caspian."

From Star Wars:

a. Yoda, Han Solo, R2D2

From Harry Potter:

a. Ron, Harry, Hermione
b. Malfoy, Snape, Hagrid
c. Firenze, the Mer King, Dobby

From Various:

a. Woody Harrelson in Zombieland
b. Woody Harrelson in Cheers
c. Woody Harrelson in real life

Post your answers to the comments, kids.

2010-04-25T14:28:00.005-05:00

You know, it's posts like this that get me labeled "That Chick Who Likes to Fuck Rodents," but I'm okay with that, since we're discussing serious issues. Issues that need to be voiced, need to be acknowledged, need to be considered thoughtfully if we as a society are ever going to start the healing process.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over (insert issue here)—that our lives had become
unmanageable.

Cartoons are turning me into a zoophiliac. I just can't help myself.

Wow, it feels good to have admitted it.

The Tramp, Justin from Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh, Simba . . . These cartoons trot a panoply of ideal males in front of me, and I'm not supposed to fall for them? Their humor, their hair, their bad boy appeal -- it's a recipe for love. Under these circumstances, I ask you: would it be right to discriminate against them based on their species?

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Please, Disney, please! Commit to cartoons where the male protagonist is human, and I believe that I can return to a normal, vanilla fantasy life!

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Oh, King Triton, God of the Sea, if you can make Ariel human, couldn't you help me out with a few of these others? Or just pick one, any one! It's up to you.

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Though truthfully, I'd prefer the Tramp. He was my first animated love.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Wait, I was wrong. I doubt the Tramp's capacity for faithfulness. Since Simba would be prettier than me, I should go with Justin.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

And I am absolutely ready to have you transform him anytime. Wait -- anytime before he dies in the book. Switching from zoophilia to necrophilia sounds like a lateral move.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Pretty please?

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

No persons -- just a lot of dead kittens. Or does that not apply to girls?

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Any dead kittens for whose deaths I am responsible, I humbly beg your pardon, but let's be honest: you've seen Simba. You'd've done the same thing.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

I think this step's mostly filler, don't you? There's a reason why there are only Ten Commandments; no one was like "And number 9? Check it out again. Still sure you haven't been coveting your neighbor's wife? 'Cause they're real tight asses about that one. You should double check."

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Om. Om. Om. OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

(I am good at the meditation part.)

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to zoophiliacs, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Ima gonna get right on that spiritual awakening. Right after I'm done watching Robin Hood.

Hey! At least they're walking on only two legs! It's a step in the right direction.

Why, Robin, what a very long arrow you have . . .

Merkin

2010-03-24T19:41:00.001-05:00

Hmmm. I have now come across the word "merkin" twice in two days, from totally different sources. That is not a word one typically comes across.

Look it up. I think you'll like it.

Comments

2010-03-23T13:25:00.001-05:00

Just an FYI, folks, that I am now holding comments on entries older than 14 days for my approval. We've just had too many spam comments, and I want to start catching those before they post. I may have to go to monitoring all comments; we'll see.

I'll never refuse to post a comment that is not spam related.

Papa Bear, This One's Too Hot, and . . .?

2010-03-17T23:55:00.001-05:00

So, Papa Bear and I have welcomed a new roommate into our lives. What should we nickname him?

2010-03-02T22:23:00.000-06:00

Here's a little slice of awesome to brighten your collective evenings:

Also, for those of you still curious, my Papa Bear approved nickname is . . . This One's Too Hot.

Aw, yeah.

Yay, puppets

2010-02-26T00:53:00.002-06:00

Tonight Papa Bear and I went to a puppet show. A damn scary puppet show.

The show is based on The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Seriously creepy, friends.

2010-02-21T22:04:00.003-06:00

Oh, hey, does anyone still want to know what Papa Bear's nickname for me is?

And finally, a little eye candy for those of you interested in the ladies.

The Demise of Metra Man

2010-02-21T21:50:00.005-06:00

It was a day like any other day. I was tromping through the foot of snow Illinois barfed onto us on my way to the train one morning. Papa Bear had taken an earlier train in, so I was on my own.

Enough people don't bother shoveling their walks here that a lot of my route consists of a narrow trail beaten down by those who've gone before me. I walk slightly slower than a turtle in the winter time, so I frequently pull over to let people coming up behind me pass.

I was doing just that, letting a fellow who I've occasionally considered nursing a crush on skip by when from behind him emerges . . . Metra Man.

My heart sang, naturally. "Go on ahead," I simpered. "I'll just slow you down."

He smiled, oh so gallantly. He went ahead but slowed his pace enough to make conversation with me. "Hi, I'm Bill."

Wait, what? A name? NOOOOOOOOOO! That is not how our relationship works! He does not have a name, he does not get a name! He is Metra Man, an icon, a symbol of all that I desire in a slightly grey at the temples man with a dazzling smile, twinkling blue eyes that read my soul, and an adorable scrap of a dog. We do not call our god by name and if we did, it would not be Bill!

Actually, Papa Bear and I have often speculated as to what Metra Man's name might be, especially after the night I dreamt he told me it was Norman. I believe we settled on something multisyllabic and Italian sounding, something like Alphonso. Definitely not Bill.

As I gasped in horror, Bill continued making idle conversation. I hardly heard another word until he mentioned his partner.

I think it is safe to assume that he was not discussing a business partner with whom he coincidentally owns a home.

Friends, Metra Man is named Bill, and Bill is gay.

More than a year of good, solid crushing right down the drain.

I have to consult the rules. If you know your Metra Man's name, can he be your Metra Man any longer?

2010-01-01T20:18:00.002-06:00

My most recent Facebook status update went like this:

Megan Tynan's giant zit has a feeling of permanence, a sense that it was built
to last the ages. Finally, I'm responsible for a great work that will live after
me, a monolith that people will look to and say, "There. That oil-filled pustule
is a reminder from our ancestors that we stand on the shoulders of giants and
that we should not exfoliate more than once a week." Now I can die happy.

And it's true. My zit is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look on its work, ye mighty, and despair. To make matters worse, it's just to the left of my nose, rather than squarely placed on the tip, meaning that I can't even use it for a little well-timed Christmas/Rudolph humor.

Conversations

2009-12-15T19:30:00.002-06:00

While we're at work and everyone else has already left for the day.

Papa Bear: Okay, I'm just going to steal the clementine Paige left on her desk. I'll leave a note -- "Sorry, your orange had to leave."
Me: What? No!
Papa Bear: I'll steal it if I want.
Me: Yes, fine, steal it. But that note? It's crap. When for the rest of your life will you another chance to quote "Oh My Darling Clementine?"
Papa Bear: Hmmm. You have a point.
Me (singing): "I am lost and gone forever, oh your darling clementine . . ." Oh, it works!
Papa Bear: Yeah, it really does. (He walks away.)
Me: Wait, you forgot your clementine!
Papa Bear: Oh, I changed my mind.
Me: What? No! You have to steal it! We'll never have another chance like this!
Papa Bear: Nah, I don't feel like it.
Me: TRAITOR! STEAL THAT ORANGE!
Papa Bear: No, thanks.

He should've taken it. Theft serving a good joke is always excusable.

God, he hurts me.

Do My Homework?

2009-12-13T15:16:00.002-06:00

So although the class-portion of the semester is over, I still have another 4 days until my last two projects are due. I have to create two libguides, a convenient grouping of various types of sources on a particular topic. I am doing one on Medieval Adolescence and one on Sexual Education. It's the latter I'd love your feedback on. It's being targeted to high school students and teachers.

For the students, I am specifically targeting those who are receiving no sex ed classes. Over the course of 13 years of Catholic school education, I had 8 different sex ed courses, ranging from 6th grade PE class to 1oth grade Theology to 12th grade Anatomy. I cannot believe that public schools, those unholy, gum-chewing institutions of heathens, can't do at least that much! Honestly, I sort of thought that to be less conservative than we were, they'd have to show porn.

For teachers, I am targeting those teaching health, science, or current event courses.

The source types I need to provide both groups are core databases, key journals, key data sources, print reference sources, key subject headings for catalog searches, and important websites.

Regarding important websites, I so far have Go Ask Alice and WebMD. I've just started that portion of the search, so I'll be finding many more of the obvious ones.

Do you guys have any feedback on less obvious sites? They should have a solid scientific source behind them. Or any thoughts on the other source types?

People, bleh

2009-12-07T20:37:00.002-06:00

I'm not too keen on people today.

-- At Starbucks. A college girl asks the drink guy if they have free wifi. He tells her she can have it if she has AT&T DSL at home (true) or if she buys a gift card for 5 dollars. I mention to the girl that she can also just buy 2 hours for $4. Now, I don't know the girl's situation, but I do know that when I was in college, there was many a time when I had 4 dollars, but not 5. So, I just mention this to her as an option, not rude at all. So then another customer says in what is undeniably a rude tone "No, don't do that, it's cheaper the other way." I tell him that of course $4 is less than $5, and it's a two hour limit today either way. "Yes, but it's only 5 dollars!" he responds impatiently. And the other way is only $4, dude. And then he tells me that there isn't a time limit with the gift card -- even though the drink had just said that there is! The other patron is, of course, very wrong.

-- My school semester is suddenly over. I attended every class and turned in every assignment on time. I never got back a single homework assignment -- assignments I had spent 10-15 hours each on -- nor did I get any feedback on my class presentation. Nothing. I have two end of semester projects to turn in, and I have no fucking clue what my grade in the class is currently. The icing on the cake is that the last class was scheduled for this Thursday, assigned reading listed in the syllabus, discussion planned and everything. Then someone pointed out via email to the class that the semester technically ends on Wednesday, so the teacher dropped us with a class is cancelled, you've been a wonderful crowd, try the fish. I'm really mad at her. I've never taken a class like this before, and I really wanted feedback. If I don't make an A, I'll be very angry that I never had an opportunity to improve. If I do make an A, I'll still be angry, because how will I do in my next class? I might as well not have taken this one for all that I learned.

And doing the work hasn't been easy, either. I scheduled a number of days off throughout the semester before key assignments were due so I'd have time to work on them, and she changed the days of the assignments. I picked a class with a Saturday "On Campus" day, and she switched it to Thursday. I carefully selected this class based on my research of the professor, and then they switched it up and gave it to her.

I'm just really disappointed.

Re: My Life

2009-12-06T20:24:00.003-06:00

Okay, kids, a few important notes:

-- The Roommate Formerly Known as the Candy Formerly Known as Eye has officially been renicknamed to Papa Bear. That's what I call him around the house, anyway. A free prize to the person who can guess what he calls me (you are automatically disqualified if I already told you or if someone I told tells you or if someone I told tells someone who tells you, and so on). I really will send a prize if you can guess, but I bet no one can.

-- Despite having had him as a roommate for over 3 months, I am still startled to run into him in the apartment at least weekly. For example, about five minutes ago he walked into the room I'm in and started talking. This was enough to cause me to yelp and get all scared-eyes on him. "What? Me watching a horror movie in the living room has you scared enough that just walking into the room freaks you out?" No, dude, it has nothing to do with the movie; it's just you.

-- I got my hair all doned up this morning. I had it colored! A first for me, and I won't be one bit surprised if it just all falls out overnight, like how having a car washed makes it rain. What color? Brown. What color was it before? Brown. But this is a nicer brown! I swear.

-- And in conclusion, that is all.

2009-11-20T07:43:00.003-06:00

Okay, now, if Lucy had simply done this, everyone would've believed she'd been to Narnia, Peter wouldn't have questioned her sanity, Edward wouldn't've betrayed them to the White Witch, and JESUS WOULDN'T HAVE DIED!!!!

The Train

2009-11-18T08:26:00.000-06:00

Sometimes in the morning when the Roommate Formerly Known as The Candy Formerly Known as Eye and I get on the train, we sit in seats that face each other. My seat faces all the forward facing seats in the car, and as I gaze upon the faces of the people, I feel compelled to give a speech, something that starts off with “My loyal subjects . . .”

The decrees I would make would be petty – “Peon 5 to Seat 12” and “Metra Man, fuck me” – and a clear abuse of my power, but I am sure that given enough time, the people would grow to love me, their benevolent ruler.

Ah, if only.

2009-11-17T08:19:00.001-06:00

And here's how our conversation trails off as we walk into the office:

Him: No way! I say modified deli slicer is the way to go.
Me: And I say guillotine.

Good times.

In the Bathroom in the Morning

2009-11-17T07:29:00.002-06:00

Both parties are brushing their teeth. The Roommate Formerly Known as the Candy Formerly Known as Eye choked slightly on his toothpaste, making a funny sound. I laughed through my toothpaste-filled mouth.

He spat. "Hey," he said. "I'm not like you. My gag reflex hasn't been deadened."

Zing.

2009-11-11T19:11:00.003-06:00

When tiny Mexican grandmothers bring you rice and beans and salsa and chicken and tortillas and a lime, just because you always work late and because your roommate is Hispanic, it doesn't matter that you aren't too keen on either Mexican food or hugging; you are bound by law to hug her and choke it down.

That's just the law.

Oh, people

2009-10-18T17:30:00.001-05:00

I called the number today that spells PANCAKE. I got a man's voice mail.

"Did you know that your number spells PANCAKE?" I asked his voice mail.

I got left a voice mail in return. "Yes, I did know. Did you know that I've registered your number as a prank caller and reported you to the police?"

What a waste of PANCAKE.

Sunchoke

2009-10-06T13:50:00.001-05:00

The play my roommate wrote was reviewed by Hollywood Chicago and got 4 out of 5 stars. If you're in Chicago -- which you probably aren't -- you should certainly go see it!

Un! Fair!

2009-10-03T19:22:00.002-05:00

Why exactly is there no Star Wars underwear to be found for adult women?

A Moment

2009-09-26T12:04:00.003-05:00

The Roommate Formerly Known as the Candy Formerly Known as Eye wandered into the living room in his towel.

Him: I should get dressed.
Me: Yep.
Him: But I don't want to. I can meet Karen's mom naked, can't I?
Me: At least wear the towel.
Him: I'll wear a sock.
Me: How will you keep it from falling off?
Him: Socks don't fall off my feet.

Help me with my schoolwork?

2009-09-21T20:01:00.002-05:00

I need to write a short essay for a class I'm taking regarding how technology has changed the way people communicate in the last decade. Insanely broad, eh? Anyway, I'm relatively strong on modern technology, but 10 years ago in 1999, all I had was school email. That was my crazy technology. So I'm trying to make a list of the different technologies that are used for communication that have made it big in the last ten years. Would anyone like to add to the list?

Cell phones
Text messaging
Instant messaging
YouTube
Email
MySpace
Facebook
Tweet
MMORPG
Pagers
Skype
Friendster
Second Life

Also, I am totally going to reference this in my essay:

2009-09-14T18:14:00.002-05:00

A poem with which I am quite in love:

Be good, be good, be always good,
And now & then be clever,
But don’t you ever be too good,
Nor ever be too clever;
For such as be too awful good
They awful lonely are,
And such as often clever be
Get cut & stung & trodden on by persons of lesser mental capacity, for this kind do by a law of their construction regard exhibitions of superior intellectuality as an offensive impertinence leveled at their lack of this high gift, & are prompt to resent such-like exhibitions in the manner above indicated — & are they justifiable? alas, alas they

(It is not best to go on; I think the line is already longer than it ought to be for real true poetry.)
– Mark Twain

Odds and Ends

2009-09-01T01:52:00.002-05:00

-- One of the accounts I handle has a location in a city called called Tarpon Springs. Every week for two years I've read that as "Tampon Springs."
-- This is awesome.
-- The Candy Formerly Known as Eye has been here for about a month, and things are going swimmingly. He makes waffles, I make cheesey scrambled eggs. He makes grilled cheese, I make pasta. I dust, he vacuums. I do the dishes, he cleans the bathroom. We watch Veronica Mars and She-Ra. It's all kinds of awesome here.
-- I am the air hockey master of the universe.
-- I am awfully sleepy.
-- My nephews would like me to marry the Candy Formerly Known as Eye. "Ask him out," the oldest urges me. "Who knows? Maybe you'll be his first date!" I tell them I sort of have a thing for another guy. "Two boys?!" the youngest is shocked. "When can you get a ticket to Lake Havasu City? I think we need to sit down and talk about this." They're adorable.
-- Everytime I go to the dentist (and I'm going a lot these days) I come out and go to the Gap and pity shop for myself. Happily, I desperately need some cool weather clothing, so it's not wasted money. But it's the Gap! When did they get all this cute clothing I look great in? I'm a bourgeoise slut.

2009-08-02T20:31:00.004-05:00

The Candy Formerly Known as Eye (with whom I am not sleeping, Mom) has finally moved in. We've had the best times together this summer -- museum, movies, concerts -- and I know that once he gets a new girlfriend, my social life will largely disappear, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Good times.

2009-07-18T13:30:00.002-05:00

So, I was speaking with my supervisor yesterday about interviewing new hires and he mentioned that during one of his first interviews, one at which he appeared in a t-shirt and ripped jeans, the interviewer set him straight about proper interviewing attire. I responded that when I had interviewed with him for my current job, he had told me that I was overdressed and could be less formal at the next interview, the one with the CEO. Now, I think I was wearing standard winter interviewing attire: a red suit consisting of skirt, blouse, jacket.

Not only did he remember that conversation from 3 and half years ago, but he was also able to describe my outfit, down to the precise shade of red it was.

It must have been a truly horrible suit to be so well remembered. I had never worn it before, nor have I worn it since. Nor will I ever wear it again.

2009-07-11T06:43:00.002-05:00

Today is my birthday, the best day of the year. On this post, you can leave your witty haikus dediated to me and my awesomeness. I'll start us off:

Megan is awesome.
Megan is the awesomest.
Yup, she sure is cool.

And . . . go!

2009-07-08T23:54:00.003-05:00

Please note: you have only until the day after the day after tomorrow to prep yourselves for my birthday. This occasion is not recommended for those with heart problems, chronic back pain, pregnant or nursing women, or individuals under 42 inches in height.

2009-07-07T22:27:00.002-05:00

In case you have forgotten since yesterday, my birthday is still scheduled for this Saturday. You will of course recall that I'm turning 32, so be sure to cram all the candles onto the cake. No wussing out by using just the number candles; it should have the numbers AND 32 individual smaller candles. I'd prefer a white cake with chocolate frosting, but if you're feeling bold, you could venture into the fruity cakes -- lime, pineapple upside down, etc. Or red velvet cake. I've never had it, and even though it scares me a little bit, I'd like to try it.

2009-07-06T21:25:00.002-05:00

Just in case some of you have forgotten, my birthday is this coming Saturday and so you need to call me to wish me a happy birthday. It's no good calling a day in advance or a day late -- it must be on the day, or it doesn't count. I won't be home all day, of course, since the Candy Formerly Known as Eye and I are going to the Art Institute, but you can maybe leave a message if I manage to hit the answering machine in the right spot to make it work again. At the very least, caller ID will let me know who I'll still love come Sunday.

773-764-4069, okay? Don't forget.

2009-06-28T23:16:00.001-05:00

The Candy Formerly Known as Eye has -- gasp! -- set a move in date. I never thought it would come.

2009-06-21T13:40:00.002-05:00

So, I've worn bifocals since I was 5, and, yeah, you're kind of jealous since only the very coolest kids in grade school wore glasses and the non-spectacle wearing kids -- the ones we mocked horribly with our taunts of "Two-eyes!" and "Non-freak!" -- slunk along behind us, hoping to be caught up in the wake of our popularity. But it's cool, we're all beyond the 6th grade bitterness and hard feelings and plots of poisoning our classmates, right?

Anyway, as a member of the coolest of the cool, the Bifocalnati, I enjoyed popularity that rose to unparalleled heights. The only possible downside was the line across my lenses, the one that people would suddenly notice, exclaiming that I had broken my glasses! Both lenses! In the same place! Perfectly in half! And, and, and . . .!

I maybe got a little tired of that.

Also wearying was the unfortunate stereotype regarding middle aged people and the wearing of bifocals. Absurd, of course. No one over the age of 25 could ever dream of aspiring to such coolness, but some stories just can't be killed, I guess.

Yesterday I picked up a new pair of glasses, my first pair ever with progressive lenses.

Whoa.

I will be the first to tell you that never in my 26 years of bifocals had the line bothered me. Not at all. I didn't even notice it.

And yet, the aforementioned whoa.

If you've had a pebble in your shoe for 26 years, and you can't remember a time when you didn't have the pebble, you'd probably claim it didn't bug you at all either. Until the day you took it out. "Oh my," you'd think to yourself. "That's quite a difference, isn't it?"

But I'm not you, and my reaction was a bit more along the lines of "HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT! WHAT THE HOLY FUCKING FUCK HAVE I BEEN MISSING!"

It's a pretty big difference to me.

2009-06-14T08:58:00.002-05:00

The Candy Formerly Known as Eye has been out of town for 4 days, and I'm experiencing withdrawal. We've been hanging out quite a lot lately, and going cold turkey like this is giving me the jitters. He compared us to an old married couple the other day, and he might be right. Here's a typical conversation:

Setting: Target

Him: All right, I've got the deodorant, the party hats, the travel-size KY -- oh, twine. I forgot I need twine.
Me: What? Twine? You don't need twine.
Him: How do you know if I need twine? Of course I need twine.
Me: No, you have twine.
Him: No, I used the last of the twine.
Me: No, you still have half a roll in that tool box you converted into an art supply bin.
Him: My god, you're right. I do have twine.

And so on.

Being part of an old married couple without the benefit of old married sex is not awesome, but he's a good pal.

My crotch

2009-05-31T18:00:00.005-05:00

My crotch is not in a happy place right now. I've done a lot of biking this weekend, and the crotch had to stand me up for a serious discussion this morning:

Me: Wait, can't I sit for this serious discussion?
My crotch: Oh, you want to sit? Okay, fine, you go ahead and do that.
Me: Fine, I will and -- AAARGH!
My crotch: How'd that sitting thing work out for you?
Me: I hate you! Why do you hurt me like this?
My crotch: Me? ME? Why do I hurt you? You're the one who did this! I'm the victim here!
Me: What did I ever do to you?
My crotch: 8 miles! 8 miles you did to me! On that - that - that CROTCH KILLER! (My crotch starts sobbing.)
Me: I didn't know it would be like that. The seat looked . . . okayish.
My crotch: You have ridden that bike before, miss! You knew this would happen!
Me: . . . Maybe. Or, maybe I thought you were tough enough to take it. Pussy!
My crotch: Exactly!
Me: Fine, I'll look for a new seat, but until I find one I like, you're just going to have saddle up, because I will not miss a single Farmer's Market this summer.
My crotch: No. Ohhhhhh, no. You want to go anywhere? You take the feet.
My feet: Whaaaa? I heard that! I have been carting this bitch all over hell's half acre since last fucking summer! I want a break!
Me: No! No breaks for anyone! You people will work for your keep!
My crotch: Oh, I thought I already was. Or you think that nightly workout is all fun for me?
Me: Hell, yeah I do.
My crotch: Oh, it's not bad. I'm just saying, it would be nice not to have to do all the work every time. Maybe bring in a helper?
Me: Oh. That was low. That was really low.

Now we're not talking to each other. We'll have to see how this works out. Maybe make-up sex?

2009-05-07T08:51:00.001-05:00

I've been home sick for two days now. Both days I've sent an email to my supervisor telling him I'm sick and I won't be in. Both days his response has been "okay."

You know, I don't give a fuck just how emotionally stunted you are. At the age of 40, you should have somehow, somewhere, picked up the idea that if someone tells yout hat they're sick, you should say "Get well soon" or some equivalent.

"Okay," my ass.

2009-04-30T06:30:00.003-05:00

I hesitate to reach into the kitchen sink’s drain although I have no hand-mangling garbage disposal; I’m all too aware that the Blob could at any moment, in defiance of all laws of physics, seize my arm and pull me right through the pipes for a little afternoon nosh. Frogs and turtles are to be avoided whenever possible, lest they attack you en masse. One never knows when one will be confronted by a horde of amphibians under the influence of some sort of radiation that has suddenly given them a taste for human flesh. Spiders, despite this hippy-dippy claptrap I hear about them eating nuisance insects, are simply waiting for an opportune meteor to land and infect them with some sort of virus that will blow them up to the size of a three story building. Best to squash them all, PR be damned.

I believe what the movies tell me.

I used to think that I hadn’t seen as many movies as everyone else because of our repressive childhood, but really it was some form of mental self-defense. I just keep believing everything in them has happened or will happen to me. I freely confess that anytime I watch House, I get a little teary when Wilson enters the room, alive despite having committed suicide in Dead Poets Society. You’re alive, Wilson! I sob into a blanket. Thank God! Despite such occasional moments of joy, my unwilling suspension of disbelief is a crippling factor, keeping me from enjoying all the movies my friends love – Nightmare on Elm Street, Child’s Play, Halloween.

Flatliners.
With Honors.
The Care Bears Movie.

I think the problem is getting worse.

No matter how hard I try to convince my brain that this is fiction, not reality, I remain unconvinced. Frankly, I know me all too well -- I can’t be trusted. And, not to run the old brain down, but the cells responsible for gasping, crying, and all other forms of freaking out are seriously gullible. “Just a movie, just a movie,” I whisper to my teddy bear from the safety of my bed in my brightly lit room, laying on the side facing the closet so that I’ll notice immediately if the chair wedged under the knob should twitch. The cells ignore me and superglue the “Fight or Flight” switch into the “Flight” position. Can’t be too careful, they caution themselves. That’s how the Mothman lures you into a false sense of security.

I can’t see any cure for it. God help me if I ever lose my teddy bear.

2009-04-05T23:43:00.003-05:00

I was on the phone this evening with my 3 year old niece, having a lovely conversation of which I understood only about 25% of the words. At the end of the conversation as she was handing the phone back to her mom, she said, "Bye, Megan. Love you. See you soon!"

The "see you soon" part has me worried, since, to my knowledge, she won't be seeing me soon. On the other hand, I really didn't catch most of our conversation, so maybe when I thought she was saying "And I love Dora and Boots and I have a brown dress and I was in mommy's tummy but I didn't watch TV because there's no television in there and you so funny, Megan . . ." she was really saying "Right then, using the credit card I stole from mom's wallet, I've booked you on a redeye tonight out of O'Hare. Pick up the rental car I've reserved for you tomorrow morning in Las Vegas, and we'll see you here at the house around 10 am."

Could go either way. She's a tricky one.

Stupid Illinois

2009-04-01T21:34:00.003-05:00

The plants in this state are just ALL WRONG.

There are no palm trees.

There are no orange trees.

There are no mesquite trees.

There are no baja fairy dusters. And I don't think there ever will be.

Someone should maybe fix that.

2009-03-28T06:06:00.000-05:00

A little something for my Montana readers

2009-03-22T16:42:00.002-05:00

Kent McManigal asks:

How many nooks and crannies do you stash clothing in? For me, if I couldn't find some of my clothes, it would just be a really bad sign... or maybe a sign I had a really good time.

I guess I thought this was obvious, but for those of you who are curious, here's the list:

On the bed
Under the bed
In the bureau
In the closet (ground)
In the closet (shelf)
In the closet (other shelf)
In the closet (hanging)
In the dirty laundry
In the clean laundry
In the bathroom
Stuffed under a cushion of the couch
Dishwasher

2009-03-21T21:45:00.002-05:00

I'm having the oddest feeling. For whatever reason, I find myself wanting to wear a pair of jeans. Right this moment, nothing would hit the spot quite like a tank top and a pair of jeans. I have a pair somewhere -- I've seen them at some point within the last 6 months -- but hell if I can find them now when I have a hankering for them.

Stupid jeans.

Re: Me

2009-03-15T21:06:00.002-05:00

Life is lovely of late. Well, okay, work sucks, but that's hardly new. Outside of work, things are lovely.

I have friends here. It usually takes me about three years or so to make friends in a place, then I enjoy them for a year, then I move. I'm in the enjoying stage now. The Candy Formerly Known as Eye had a birthday party last night that I went to, and it was just so much fun. The very best party I've been to in a hundred years. We ate guacamole and watched Scrubs and painted bananas and just had the most fantastic time. Yay for parties.

It's almost spring now and I'm psyching myself up for gardening. This year, there will be tomatoes and strawberries and flowers and herbs. Not sure what, if anything, else. I absolutely have to figure out how to keep those evil fucking squirrels out of my tomatoes.

The Candy Formerly Known as Eye will be moving in soon or eventually. Once he sublets his apartment, we begin a giddy life of roommatehood until he moves on. Oh, we have such grandiose plans. I think we will be good roommates. My top goal is to not neglect to pay the electric bill as I did when living with Ty, and thereby avoid having my power turned off. While it can be more fun than one would think, it's probably better to avoid entirely.

There. A bit of my very dull but surprisingly satisfying life.

2009-02-18T07:15:00.000-06:00

This weekend, an end to humdrum Chicago existence at the end of the Union Pacific North line train, an ending in . . . KENOSHA!

KENOSHA! That fabled hamlet, that glistening jewel of the Midwest!

KENOSHA! From whence have sprung a hundred hundred poets and a thousand thousand cheeses!

KENOSHA! Where the dewy tears of rosy-fingered Dawn cling to the soaring spires of the city, glistening like the diamond mines of deepest Afrika!

KENOSHA! When I can be found on Saturday.

Jealous? Yeah, you totally are.

2009-02-06T05:27:00.003-06:00

So, Wednesday I took a sewing class, my very first experience with sewing unless you count helping Mrs. Levine make togas my senior year in college, and the help I gave was so very minimal -- just guiding the material through the machine as it sewed a keen meander pattern for the hem -- that it doesn't really count.

It was awesome.

One of the first things that the instructor told us was that we should almost never need to take our machines in for repair. Almost anything that can go wrong with it, we should be able to fix ourselves. I definitely appreciate that attitude.

I spent 4 hours learning how to thread the machine, change needles, change feet, change bobbins, thread a bobbin, stitch, baste, backstitch, measure, cut, pin, select fabric, install a zipper . . .

It was a fantastic class.

In the end, I left with a pillow made entirely by me, about 16" x 16". I haven't taken a picture of it yet, but here's the fabric that I used:

I'm pretty happy with it. I'm going to take Pillows II next, a necessary prerequisite for taking Upholsery Project -- Ottoman.

Eh, virgins . . .

2009-02-02T07:21:00.002-06:00

I was just listening to Matt Nathanson's cover of Edwin McCain's cover of the Indigo Girls' cover of Dire Straits' Romeo and Juliet, and everytime he sings the line "When we made love, you used to cry," all I can think is: You're doing it wrong. Try some lube.

2009-01-28T05:06:00.004-06:00

It's one of the most painful experiences you can imagine. One day you're walking along oblivious, you have your health, your job, your family, friends; the next day -- BAM! It happens!

Someone sends you unsolicited poetry to read.

I swear, this hit me out of the blue, I had no way of expecting it! No warning signs! No columns in Dear Abby listing the 23 Signs of a Potential Poetry-Sharer! There I was, innocently checking my email, when a short little note from a co-worker slipped into my box: "Thought I'd share some of the poems I've written over the years. Anyways, try to enjoy." NOOOOOOO!

Now later today at work I'll studiously Not Speak of It, and she'll wait for me to, and I won't, and we'll be in the middle of discussing UPS rates or something and she'll say something like, "Yeah, those rates aren't going to go into effect until February 2nd, and ohbythewayIemailedyousomeofmypoetrytoreadbutdon'treaditifyoudon'twanttoit'snotimportantIjustthoughtyoumightlikeitbutittotallysucksanywayand we'll be doing the audit then in February when the rates are in effect." And then I'll have to be all, "Oh, yeah, I saw that email but I didn't open the attachment. I'm not really into poetry." And she'll say "Oh." And I'll say "Yeah, sorry about that." And she'll say "Yeah, that's okay," but it won't be really, and she'll be wondering if I'm not really into poetry is code for I'm not really into YOUR poetry and I'll have to be careful to never, ever mention a poet in front of her for the rest of the time we know each other because then she'll call me a liar.

Yup. Awkward.

2009-01-25T12:13:00.000-06:00

I checked the classics' department website at the U of A for the classes that they're offering, and holy fuck, they're so cool! Check this out:

HUMN 3923H, section 009: Digital Pompeii

The construction of a 3D, searchable database of wall paintings and mosaics from Pompeii, using 3D and and game engine software.

or this:

HUMN 3923H, section 007: Visualizing the Roman City

Over the course of the semester, students will learn how to reconstruct the buildings of Ostia using 3D software like Cinema 4D and Sketchup, apply fresco and mosaic decoration using Photoshop, produce animated fly-throughs of the city using rendering software, and import their models into a game engine.

However, the goal of this class is not simply to learn software, but to explore how 3D visualization can help us better imagine and understand Roman urban life. We will learn about Roman construction techniques, about how and why they decorated the way they did, and about how urban spaces were perceived and experienced differently by different social classes. We will also consider "instant decay," that is, how fire, flooding, refuse, and squatting likely affected urban space. Hence our goal is NOT to produce a perfect, sterile model of a Roman town, but something that can help us understand 'real' Roman life better.

Holy fuck on a stick! I never dreamed that my education could be rendered so thoroughly obsolete by developments in the field. Sure, I considered the possibility of some miraculous archaeological dig yielding treasures which could turn the field upside down (" . . and so the evidence clearly demonstrates that Athens had a king, the gods were actually characters in a popular traveling puppet show rather than worshiped deities, and Julius Caesar was, in fact, a highly skilled mime, and in no way a political figure. So sorry, our mistake . . ."), but this?

My professors are brilliant at keeping their department relevant.

Straight No Chaser

2009-01-01T08:13:00.000-06:00

This is my favorite Christmas carol experience this year.

Metra, Metra Man

2008-12-13T05:32:00.002-06:00

After a couple months of waiting, I finally have a new Metra Man.

For those of you reading this journal in Iran, the Metra is the name of the train line I take to and from work, 10 times a week (at least). It is the most awesome train line in Chicago, easily beating the el or L or whatever it is they call their much less awesome train line which I take comparatively infrequently. I could rhapsodize over the Metra, write it adoring sonnets, and so on, but you would soon tire of my gushy love for it.

Anyway, Metra Man.

When riding the Metra, it is necessary to find yourself a regular fellow passenger to whom you can become a little bit attached. This individual will be the one you look for on the platform in the morning, the one you secretly think might just want you, and the one who you rescue in the fantasy you have about the train conveniently tumbling into the Chicago River on days you have conference calls with a company whose name rhymes with "Fizzney."

My criteria for a Metra Man are quite simple.

Excerpt from The Rules to Being Megan in Chicago 4th ed.:

VII.3.xiv. If the current Metra Man fails to appear on the regular train for a period of time of 20 business days, a new Metra Man will be appointed in his place. The Metra Man title will automatically be assigned to the first male to both A. make eye contact and B. smile at the established Megan while C. on the train or on the platform or across the street from but clearly approaching the platform.
VII.3.xv. If it is not absolutely conclusive that the Metra Man was smiling at the established Megan and not just at another passenger behind her or possibly at something playing on his iPod, he may, at the discretion of the Megan, be assigned the title of "Metra Man Candidate," and may be closely shadowed by the Megan for the following 5 business days to provide further opportunity to fulfill the Metra Man criteria. If the criteria are not fulfilled in the 5 business day period, the Metra Man Candidate title is automatically removed, and the Megan will resume her normal riding habits.

My last Metra Man, Red Coat Guy, has been gone for some time, and I do miss him a bit. He was very easy to spot -- about 5'3", bald, and he always wore a bright red jacket. Very easy to pick out of a crowd. Not hot, but certainly adorable.

So, I've been bereft for a few months. But as of Thursday, I have a new one, Black Hair but Gray Around the Temples Guy. I think of him as Black Hair Guy for short. I've wondered if he might be the one for a while now. We both approach the Metra platform from the same direction, and our walks coincide by several blocks, so you see, he'd have ample opportunity to think about making eye contact and smiling. And one day, as I was walking down Columbia to Ravenswood and he was walking up Ravenswood, he turned his head in my direction and smiled, and while there's no evidence that he was smiling at me, I like to pretend that maybe he was.

Anyway, on Thursday, December 11th while boarding the 7:51 Rogers Park Metra, the Black Hair with Gray Around the Temples Guy gestured for me to enter the train car ahead of him, while smiling and making eye contact, thereby establishing himself as the new Metra Man and guaranteeing himself a rescue if our train should happen to fall into the Chicago River. Because it might.

2008-11-27T14:56:00.003-06:00

The video below undoubtedly features the very best moment from any Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade ever.

The Thanksgiving Day Post

2008-11-27T13:18:00.002-06:00

Even if I have declined invitations to join others for their holiday meal, and even if the thought of making a turkey for myself is both comical and horrifying, and even if I got rid of cable TV so I can't watch any of the Thanksgiving Day parades, I feel like I still need to observe Thanksgiving in some way. So, here are a few things I am especially thankful for this year.

Masturbation. Legal, free, and AWESOME.
My right hand. Without you, masturbation would not be impossible, but it would be more difficult. At the very least it would require that I purchase supplemental masturbation devices, which would eliminate the "free" part of masturbation. Plus, I'm just sure that the batteries would always die at the most inopportune moments. Can any righties masturbate left-handed? I've never been able to manage it, which has sucked on those occasions when my right hand gets tired or cramped up.
An imagination. You made masturbation possible before there were the internets from which to seek inspiration.
Mr. Stickney. You taught me that masturbation is not okay with the Catholic Church, so I feel a little extra rebellious, which makes the whole thing a bit sexier. I do, however, wish that I wouldn't think of you everytime I do it. Because ew.
Cherry Coke.

What are you people thankful for today?

The post where I'm depressed

2008-11-16T08:22:00.002-06:00

I just kind of despise my life right now.

And by "right now," I mean right this second. An hour ago I was fine, and in another hour I'll be fine, but right now I just hate it.

I ALWAYS feel guilty about something, just always. I have these cans of paint that have been sitting around my apartment since June, but I've only painted three rooms. I lose things constantly -- a credit card, an I-Go membership card, and so on. I'm always behind on my accounts at work and scrambling to keep up. I left grad school a million years ago, and I'm probably never going back. I need to do laundry.

The tipping point was work today. I had such a tidy plan for my weekend! Saturday morning -- go to work, do reports. Saturday afternoon -- go to grocery store, clean kitchen, tape room for painting. Sunday -- paint dining room and do laundry. Here's how my weekend has been: Saturday morning -- sleep and masturbate and sleep and masturbate. Saturday afternoon -- go to work, get very little done because two others were there and we goofed off. Saturday night -- hang out with others. Sunday morning -- be up in time for work, be dressed in time to catch train, miss train because I couldn't find my fucking wallet. Sit around at home 2 hours feeling sorry for self and waiting for next train.

Yes, I'm having a good time, but I'm not doing the stuff I need to do, and the feeling of guilt will never go away. How do people not feel guilty about stuff? Where's the on/off switch for that shit?

In other news, it's the 21st fucking century, and there's no reason at all for any software in the English-speaking world to call out "couldn't" as a misspelling. Contractions are here to stay, bitches.

2008-11-09T21:32:00.002-06:00

Having cleaned my apartment from top to bottom, I can now officially declare both my emergency credit card and my I-Go membership card lost. Search though I may, I cannot find anyone to blame for this other than myself.

I'll look harder.

Author in Review: Lois Lowry

2008-10-26T23:10:00.003-05:00

I was just on Amazon taking a look at what all Lois Lowry has written. She's kind of freakin' awesome as a writer of kids' books. My more freedom-loving readers will especially enjoy her Giver:

In the "ideal" world into which Jonas was born, everybody has sensibly agreed that well-matched married couples will raise exactly two offspring, one boy and one girl. These children's adolescent sexual impulses will be stifled with specially prescribed drugs; at age 12 they will receive an appropriate career assignment, sensibly chosen by the community's Elders. This is a world in which the old live in group homes and are "released"--to great celebration--at the proper time; the few infants who do not develop according to schedule are also "released," but with no fanfare. Lowry's development of this civilization is so deft that her readers, like the community's citizens, will be easily seduced by the chimera of this ordered, pain-free society.

Yup, it's a fucked up world. Surprisingly, this book was required reading for some of the fifth grade classes for which I substituted back in Tucson. You'd not think that the system would want to point so awesome a mirror at itself, but maybe they didn't understand what they were doing.

Anyway, as I was perusing Amazon, I discovered that Lois Lowry had also written Autumn Street. I got this book for my eighth birthday, and dude -- it was just all fucked up. It was a story about a little white girl who makes friends with the family cook's black grandson and just follows them through their 1950's childhood. Their happy times come to a smashing end when the boy's throat is slit by the crazy man who lives at the end of the street and the little girl gets pneumonia and her dad comes home from the Korean War injured and, and . . .

What the hell! Do not give this book to your 8-year-old to read.

My second Lois Lowry book was a gift for my thirteenth birthday. It features some teenagers and their mom who, courtesy of some voodoun magic, are now immortal. They survive by the mom marrying wealthy men, killing them, and living off their money for a while. It ends with the oldest teenager deciding he can't live like this anymore (plus he's really bored), and he drives his car into a tree at 119 mph with his mom in the passenger seat. The End.

Okay, a bit better, but again with the depression. Apparently, Lois Lowry frowns on the happy endings.

I haven't bought anymore of her books, and I'm a little scared to do so. But you should go read her now. She's pretty good.

2008-10-26T20:21:00.002-05:00

I really like online quizzes that purport to tell you something about yourself based on your taste in art, books, insects, or whatever. They always tell me nice things. It's a happy little ego boost on a Sunday night.

2008-10-26T20:20:00.001-05:00

Your result for What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test...

Simple, Progressive, and Sensual

29 Ukiyo-e, 4 Islamic, 5 Impressionist, -30 Cubist, -31 Abstract and 25 Renaissance!

Ukiyo-e (浮世絵, Ukiyo-e), "pictures of the floating world", is a genre of Japaneseand paintings produced between the 17th and the 20th centuries. it mostly featured landscapes, historic tales, theatre, and pleasure. Ukiyo is a rather impetuous urban culture that has bloomed in popularity. Although the Japanese were more strict and had many prohibitions it did not affect the rising merchant class and therefore became a floating art form that did not bind itself to the normal ideals of society.

People that chose Ukiyo-e art tend to be more simplistic yet elegant. They don't care much about new style but are comfortable in creating their own. They like the idea of living for the moment and enjoy giving and receiving pleasure. They may be more agreeable than other people and do not like to argue. They do not mind following traditions but are not afraid to move forward to experience other ideas in life. They tend to enjoy nature and the outdoors. They do not mind being more adventurous in their sexual experiences. They enjoy being popular and like being noticed. They have their own unique style of dress and of presenting themselves. They may also tend to be more business oriented or at the very least interested in money making adventures. They might make good entrepreneurs. They are progressive and adaptable.

Take What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test at HelloQuizzy

Lily of the City

2008-10-19T16:02:00.002-05:00

I am the only person I know who has managed on more than one occasion to draw blood while doing laundry. Clearly, I am meant for better things than this senseless daily toil. This is a sign that I was meant to have servants and slaves and so on to take care of these things.

Well, peasants? Hop to it! If it's meant to be, then you really have no choice but to go along with it.

2008-10-16T18:59:00.001-05:00

Am I the only person left who does not like kettle chips? They are tough, and they crunch very loudly when you are in an otherwise quiet environment, and they just aren't as great as they think they are. Stupid chips.

2008-09-28T20:08:00.003-05:00

So, I just had one of those experiences that you have to have once every ten years or so. I was in the coffee shop Ennui hanging with my friend Marco and eating a tuna salad sandwich on a croissant (mmmmm, yummmm) when a woman sitting at the table next to us turned to me and said, "Excuse me, this is sort of a strange question, but did you go to the University of Arkansas?" To which I replied, "Yes! And so did you! And you majored in archaeology, and then added on classical studies in your senior year! But I don't know your name!" And that, of course, is the story of my life: "Hi, I don't know your name, but here's an interesting fact or two about you!" I managed to restrain myself from adding, "And you were one of the few people who always called Professor Fredrick by his first name -- 'Dave' -- and it just always impressed and intimidated the hell out of me because I couldn't dream of addressing a god such as Dave Fredrick by his name! I may have considered 'Your Holiness' a time or two, but never 'Dave.'"

Anyway, she identified herself as Kelly, which is, of course, no good for purposes of googling the hell out of her to find out what she's been doing, where she has her online journal, and if she has any jail time, so when I got home I turned to the University of Arkansas' Eta Sigma Phi ( she majored in classics, so she would have been in Eta Sigma Phi, the classical studies honorary society) page which listed all the past members of Eta Sigma Phi that anyone could remember, found a member named Kelly from the right time period, snagged her last name, googled the shit out of that, and found her married name, where she works, and her Flickr photo stream.

So, um, that's what everyone else would have done in the same situation, right? That isn't creepy at all, right?

2008-09-23T23:22:00.002-05:00

Well. The MacArthur Fellows, recipients of the MacArthur Foundation's $500,000 Genius Grants, were announced today, and it seems that once again, I have been overlooked. Adding insult to injury, I suspect I wasn't even nominated.

Look, MacArthur Foundation, I think there's no question that my track record meets your exacting requirements of "talented individuals who have shown extraordinary originality and dedication in their creative pursuits and a marked capacity for self-direction."

Talented? Whose composition and performance of the Kazoo Concerto in D Minor has left the crowned heads of Europe in awe, the sultans of Brunei in amazement, and my sisters in tears?

Originality? Who, I ask, was the inventor and patron of the Super-Duper Salami Sandwich, a dazzling array of hard salami, Miracle Whip, and white bread most famous for boldly eschewing the constraints of the traditional definition of "sandwich" by using salami as the outermost layer, rather than bread -- and this, at the tender age of 7?

Dedication? Who has dedicated years of her life to demanding that Cherry Coke receive the respect it is due, promoting its superiority and divinity, persevering in the face of opposition and that rotten Vanilla Coke, but remaining defiant and unbowed?

The answer of which you are clearly ignorant, O MacArthur Foundation, is me. If these things do not connote genius, then I do not know what does.

A silver lining to my storm clouds: at least no one I know was a recipient. If one of my sisters had received the fellowship before me, it would have just killed me.

2008-09-21T22:41:00.003-05:00

And another thing. Why the heck can't I renew books online if I have one overdue? Making it harder for me will not make me a better patron. I'd suspect them of some money-making racket, adding all these hoops, except that they aren't going to be getting rich quickly off of my ten cents a day. Instead I just have to believe them stupid and mean.

ZOMG!

2008-09-20T19:29:00.003-05:00

Oh. My. Gahhhhhhhhhd.

L.M. Montgomery committed suicide!

What the fuck!

Next you'll be telling me Madeleine L'Engle's husband cheated on her throughout their marriage!

#7: The Worst Librarian in Chicago

2008-09-20T10:54:00.005-05:00

Okay, right off the bat this is obviously a grossly biased post. I freely confess that I have visited only 3 of the 79 branches of the Chicago Public Library so I can hardly have met the entire library staff. I have not held any vote or poll, nor in any other way solicited opinion regarding the Worst Librarian in Chicago. Nonetheless, I expect you to take my word for it that this one librarian -- let's call her Bertha -- is the Worst Librarian in Chicago.

I have something of an uneasy history with librarians -- from Oliver Toliver at the Scottsdale Public Library who for some reason scared me shitless, to Sister Lambert at Xavier College Prep who would insist that I not sit on a table back in the stacks to read a book, to one nasty man whose name I've forgotten at the University of Arkansas who gave me extreme shit over losing a book when I came to pay for it. "Probably out of print now!" he harrumphed. Hah -- it's not. So there.

On the other hand, there have been librarians I have worshiped -- EthBay UhlJay, for one. She rocked my socks off AND made me want to have white hair.

You probably also know that I am not especially keen on the Chicago Public Library. I was immediately suspicious of it when we first met and I saw the bizarre hybridization of the Dewey Decimal and the Library of Congress systems of classification. 'Tain't right to mix them two. Just 'tain't right.

My loathing of CPL was solidified when I encountered their atrocious idea of "alphabetization." They alphabetize fiction by author's last name, then by title of book. Ridiculous! Okay, it's not so bad if you're looking for Gaiman, but what about David? Roberts? Jones? I do read stuff by all of those, and it sucks ass having to plow through shelves and shelves of stuff from other authors, hoping I don't accidentally skip past something by the author I like. Adding insult to injury was their response when I asked why they do it WRONG: "It would be really expensive to label the spines of all the books with first names, so we can't change it now." Well, I guess that's valid. If only the author's first name was listed somewhere on the book! Curse you, uncaring publishers.

Anyway, back to Bertha. Bertha is the librarian regularly working the counter at the Rogers Park branch when I go there on Saturdays, and she's just awful. Like, this one time I went there to check out Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and she looked on the back cover for the bar code, and it wasn't at the top of the cover where it should be, so she started the lengthy process of adding a new UPC and registering it in the system, and I asked her if they don't use the bar code on the back of the book anymore, and she told me there was none, so I pointed at it 4 FUCKING INCHES below where she had looked for it, and she bitched to me about how it wasn't where it was supposed to be and THEN she took a goddamned SHARPIE MARKER and drew an arrow on the back of the book from where the UPC should be to where it really was so that if any other FUCKTARDS had to check out the book, they could find it.

A librarian. Drew. On a book. What universe is she from?

Then there was the week when I went to pick up two books I had on hold there. I had received an email telling me they were there, and my online CPS account confirmed they were there, but when I asked Bertha for them, she said only one was there. And I was like, no, dude, your system told me two. And she was like, well, I can only find one. And I was like, maybe you could take another look, because I really want the other book CPS SAYS IS WAITING HERE FOR ME. And then she looked again and oh! there it was. And her excuse? "Well, these shelves are really disorganized."

Dude! It is one thing for me, a private citizen, to have disorganized shelves (note: I don't), but it is an entirely different matter for you, a LIBRARIAN, to trot out that excuse! The heart of your job is organization of data! "The shelves are disorganized" isn't an excuse; it's a damning confession! AND there were only 4 shelves and a book cart to look through! How freakin' hard is it to skim through 4 shelves and a book cart! And if it's poorly organized, IT'S YOUR GODDAMN JOB TO ORGANIZE THE MOTHERFUCKERS!

Jesus Christ.

Throughout these encounters I have, of course, maintained my normal pleasant facade, because I rock the hell out of the pleasant facade, but I did have to get rough with her once. One day, I returned five books to her little library the day they were due (I'm not saying I gave them to her directly, I just put then in the book drop). Four were checked in immediately. One, mysteriously, was not checked in for another three days. Using my pleasant facade, my steely gaze, and a lie regarding being out of town that would have prevented me from returning the book when their system said I had, I intimidated Bertha into removing the fine. She didn't want to, but I was ready to fight her over the 30 cents all evening if I had to, and I think that showed on my face (see: steely gaze).

So that's the backdrop before which today's show was staged. I went to the library to return a book due today and another one two days overdue. And Bertha was there.

"Hi! I need to return these books, and I need to pay a fine on this one since it's overdue."
I am perky. Always perky.

"Well, our system is down, so I can't check anything in."
Matt Damon.

"Hmm, well, that's a problem for me. You see, this book is due today, but I can't renew it online since this other book is overdue and the system has a hold on my account. What should I do?"
Polite, polite, polite. Surely they have some direction they're giving the patrons.

"Our system is down."
Matt Damon.

"Yes, I know. I don't want to get fines on this book due today, so what should I do?"
Maybe she's deaf, and I'm just a mean person for thinking she's dumb. No, she's dumb. Definitely dumb.

"You can't do anything online."
Matt Damon.

"Yes! I'm aware of that."
Maybe you should tell me again, I didn't quite catch it the first two times.

"Well, I can take these, but you can't do anything online."
Matt Damon.

"You can take them but you can't check them in as returned, right?"
Hah! Like I would trust you with my books!

"You can't do anything online!"
Matt Damon.

"What?"
Quit saying that!

"You want to renew this one?"
Matt Damon.

"No, I want to return it."
Why is she talking about renewing?

"You want to return it and then take it out again?"
Matt Damon.

"No! I just want to return it!"
My God, she thinks I don't know what "renew" means! That's rich coming from the woman who clearly doesn't know what "return" means!

(A pause. I gaze at her suspiciously, she gazes at me vapidly.)

"And then take it out again?"
MATT DAMON!

"Tell you what, I'll just bring these back on Monday."
Must. Escape.

"You can't do anything online!"
MATT! DAMON!

"I! KNOW!"
I! KNOW!

This round to Bertha. Well played, Bertha. Well played.