So, here is a picture of the very first room I have ever painted all on my own ever:



I think it looks okay. Now it's all set to become a guest room for one of the myriad sisters visiting me next week.

I had to doctor that photo up to make it come close to resembling reality. The photos I took made the color look like dried mustard. Hideous. Since this is the sunniest room in my house, I think the sunny paint fits well in it, and I wanted to convey that in the picture.

People sneer at me for my old-fashioned landline phone. I don't even have a cordless phone; I am completely wired. But consider:

While you're busy trying to kill an intruder or friend by beating him with your cordless phone, or waiting for the radiation you hope your cell gives off to take care of him . . . eventually . . . I will have already eliminated my intruder/friend through simple, silent strangulation by cord. The neighbors will have heard your victim screaming for help -- good luck making your excuses to the police. I, on the other hand, will be able to quietly get rid of the body and go about my business.

Yes, I think we all see who'll be laughing last. I think we'll see.

Your result for The Classic Dames Test...

Bette Davis

You scored 31% grit, 29% wit, 33% flair, and 31% class!

You're one smart cookie, and you know it. You also know how to let everyone else in on the deal. You've worked hard to get where you are, and sometimes you might not have played fair. You are ruthless but charming, and the light of intelligence sparkles in your eyes. When cornered, you can and will act, but you'd rather have things go your way and live a life of ease and comfort. It's not a great idea to cross you; you will run the competition down like a rabbit, and leave them wondering what hit them. Your leading men include Errol Flynn and Paul Henreid, men who like a feisty gal with a touch of class.

Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the
Classic Leading Man Test.

Take The Classic Dames Test at HelloQuizzy

And today I actually told my landlord that I'm ready to do it, ready to make a commitment -- to paint. He seemed a bit surprised; I think he gave up on the notion of me ever painting sometime before Thanksgiving when I told him that picking colors was just too much stress, and please, please don't make me do it . . . I may have been sobbing, and he was easy to convince. So here I am in June, still with stark white walls.

I even went so far as to make an appointment with him on Wednesday to go to Home Depot and actually buy the paint, but of course I'll be canceling since I'm going to go see Allison Krauss and some other guy (Robert Plant, apparently he's famous?) at Ravinia, but I didn't remember that when Best Landlord Ever and I made the arrangements, so I still get willing-to-make-a-commitment points. Yay me.

In other news, my niece is out of the hospital! Yay for no skin grafts!

I’m getting ready to start painting my apartment after nine months of procrastinating, stressing, indecision, and panic attacks. Gosh, I just love creative endeavors.

As usual when I start trying to psych myself up for this painting thing, I’ve gone online looking for tips for the novice interior painter. Frankly, most of these sites suck some hairy, hairy ass. For instance:

Topcoat
The topcoat is the last coat of paint applied to the surface. Stir the paint before applying the topcoat. You may need to run the paint through a filter to remove dust and dirt from site work. Apply the manufacturer's recommended thickness of wet topcoat, backroll the paint, and measure the mil thickness in order to ensure the correct dry paint thickness. Backrolling can enhance the uniformity of the paint coating. Depending on the paint system selected, applying two lighter topcoats can provide a higher quality and more durable finish than applying one heavy topcoat, which can run.

THE. END.

But . . . but . . . wait! What about brushes? Which brushes do I use? And tape? Isn’t tape involved? Drop cloths? Breathing apparati? How to get the paint out of my hair after I bend over to roll my brush in it and my barrette pops out and my hair lands in the paint?

Lame. Completely lame.

Despite the shoddy instructions, it’s generally only ten minutes or so before I find myself caught up in a whirlwind of unrealistic ambition: “Yes, once I’ve finished applying my basic layer of tasteful, coordinated colors, I’ll begin the faux finishes! Ragging, sponging, combing . . . joy!”

Today I even went so far as to look up a little how-to on one of these faux finishes, marbling. “A distinctive appeal with a luxurious feeling . . .” the site coos, and my god, I want to believe. What will I need? “1 Natural Sea Sponge.” Okay, I think I’ve seen those with the fancy bubble bath stuff at the store. “Pointed Artist Brush (Available at art supply stores).” Hmmm, never heard of that, but I can go to an art store and ask. “Goose feather.” Right, one . . . what? For reals? How the fuck do I get one of those? Do I have to go find a goose to molest or can I rip apart a pillow and hope the feathers are goose-based?

It’s a sudden jerk back to reality, but it works. I think we all know I’ll be lucky not to accidentally kill myself while doing this painting thing. Cross fingers for no hospital time, okay?