The Thanksgiving Day Post

Even if I have declined invitations to join others for their holiday meal, and even if the thought of making a turkey for myself is both comical and horrifying, and even if I got rid of cable TV so I can't watch any of the Thanksgiving Day parades, I feel like I still need to observe Thanksgiving in some way. So, here are a few things I am especially thankful for this year.

1. Masturbation. Legal, free, and AWESOME.
   
2. My right hand. Without you, masturbation would not be impossible, but it would be more difficult. At the very least it would require that I purchase supplemental masturbation devices, which would eliminate the "free" part of masturbation. Plus, I'm just sure that the batteries would always die at the most inopportune moments. Can any righties masturbate left-handed? I've never been able to manage it, which has sucked on those occasions when my right hand gets tired or cramped up.
3. An imagination. You made masturbation possible before there were the internets from which to seek inspiration.
4. Mr. Stickney. You taught me that masturbation is not okay with the Catholic Church, so I feel a little extra rebellious, which makes the whole thing a bit sexier. I do, however, wish that I wouldn't think of you everytime I do it. Because ew.
5. Cherry Coke.

What are you people thankful for today?