#7: The Worst Librarian in Chicago

Okay, right off the bat this is obviously a grossly biased post. I freely confess that I have visited only 3 of the 79 branches of the Chicago Public Library so I can hardly have met the entire library staff. I have not held any vote or poll, nor in any other way solicited opinion regarding the Worst Librarian in Chicago. Nonetheless, I expect you to take my word for it that this one librarian -- let's call her Bertha -- is the Worst Librarian in Chicago.

I have something of an uneasy history with librarians -- from Oliver Toliver at the Scottsdale Public Library who for some reason scared me shitless, to Sister Lambert at Xavier College Prep who would insist that I not sit on a table back in the stacks to read a book, to one nasty man whose name I've forgotten at the University of Arkansas who gave me extreme shit over losing a book when I came to pay for it. "Probably out of print now!" he harrumphed. Hah -- it's not. So there.

On the other hand, there have been librarians I have worshiped -- EthBay UhlJay, for one. She rocked my socks off AND made me want to have white hair.

You probably also know that I am not especially keen on the Chicago Public Library. I was immediately suspicious of it when we first met and I saw the bizarre hybridization of the Dewey Decimal and the Library of Congress systems of classification. 'Tain't right to mix them two. Just 'tain't right.

My loathing of CPL was solidified when I encountered their atrocious idea of "alphabetization." They alphabetize fiction by author's last name, then by title of book. Ridiculous! Okay, it's not so bad if you're looking for Gaiman, but what about David? Roberts? Jones? I do read stuff by all of those, and it sucks ass having to plow through shelves and shelves of stuff from other authors, hoping I don't accidentally skip past something by the author I like. Adding insult to injury was their response when I asked why they do it WRONG: "It would be really expensive to label the spines of all the books with first names, so we can't change it now." Well, I guess that's valid. If only the author's first name was listed somewhere on the book! Curse you, uncaring publishers.

Anyway, back to Bertha. Bertha is the librarian regularly working the counter at the Rogers Park branch when I go there on Saturdays, and she's just awful. Like, this one time I went there to check out Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and she looked on the back cover for the bar code, and it wasn't at the top of the cover where it should be, so she started the lengthy process of adding a new UPC and registering it in the system, and I asked her if they don't use the bar code on the back of the book anymore, and she told me there was none, so I pointed at it 4 FUCKING INCHES below where she had looked for it, and she bitched to me about how it wasn't where it was supposed to be and THEN she took a goddamned SHARPIE MARKER and drew an arrow on the back of the book from where the UPC should be to where it really was so that if any other FUCKTARDS had to check out the book, they could find it.

A librarian. Drew. On a book. What universe is she from?

Then there was the week when I went to pick up two books I had on hold there. I had received an email telling me they were there, and my online CPS account confirmed they were there, but when I asked Bertha for them, she said only one was there. And I was like, no, dude, your system told me two. And she was like, well, I can only find one. And I was like, maybe you could take another look, because I really want the other book CPS SAYS IS WAITING HERE FOR ME. And then she looked again and oh! there it was. And her excuse? "Well, these shelves are really disorganized."

Dude! It is one thing for me, a private citizen, to have disorganized shelves (note: I don't), but it is an entirely different matter for you, a LIBRARIAN, to trot out that excuse! The heart of your job is organization of data! "The shelves are disorganized" isn't an excuse; it's a damning confession! AND there were only 4 shelves and a book cart to look through! How freakin' hard is it to skim through 4 shelves and a book cart! And if it's poorly organized, IT'S YOUR GODDAMN JOB TO ORGANIZE THE MOTHERFUCKERS!

Jesus Christ.

Throughout these encounters I have, of course, maintained my normal pleasant facade, because I rock the hell out of the pleasant facade, but I did have to get rough with her once. One day, I returned five books to her little library the day they were due (I'm not saying I gave them to her directly, I just put then in the book drop). Four were checked in immediately. One, mysteriously, was not checked in for another three days. Using my pleasant facade, my steely gaze, and a lie regarding being out of town that would have prevented me from returning the book when their system said I had, I intimidated Bertha into removing the fine. She didn't want to, but I was ready to fight her over the 30 cents all evening if I had to, and I think that showed on my face (see: steely gaze).

So that's the backdrop before which today's show was staged. I went to the library to return a book due today and another one two days overdue. And Bertha was there.

"Hi! I need to return these books, and I need to pay a fine on this one since it's overdue."
I am perky. Always perky.

"Well, our system is down, so I can't check anything in."
Matt Damon.

"Hmm, well, that's a problem for me. You see, this book is due today, but I can't renew it online since this other book is overdue and the system has a hold on my account. What should I do?"
Polite, polite, polite. Surely they have some direction they're giving the patrons.

"Our system is down."
Matt Damon.

"Yes, I know. I don't want to get fines on this book due today, so what should I do?"
Maybe she's deaf, and I'm just a mean person for thinking she's dumb. No, she's dumb. Definitely dumb.

"You can't do anything online."
Matt Damon.

"Yes! I'm aware of that."
Maybe you should tell me again, I didn't quite catch it the first two times.

"Well, I can take these, but you can't do anything online."
Matt Damon.

"You can take them but you can't check them in as returned, right?"
Hah! Like I would trust you with my books!

"You can't do anything online!"
Matt Damon.

"What?"
Quit saying that!

"You want to renew this one?"
Matt Damon.

"No, I want to return it."
Why is she talking about renewing?

"You want to return it and then take it out again?"
Matt Damon.

"No! I just want to return it!"
My God, she thinks I don't know what "renew" means! That's rich coming from the woman who clearly doesn't know what "return" means!

(A pause. I gaze at her suspiciously, she gazes at me vapidly.)

"And then take it out again?"
MATT DAMON!

"Tell you what, I'll just bring these back on Monday."
Must. Escape.

"You can't do anything online!"
MATT! DAMON!

"I! KNOW!"
I! KNOW!

This round to Bertha. Well played, Bertha. Well played.