Well. The MacArthur Fellows, recipients of the MacArthur Foundation's $500,000 Genius Grants, were announced today, and it seems that once again, I have been overlooked. Adding insult to injury, I suspect I wasn't even nominated.

Look, MacArthur Foundation, I think there's no question that my track record meets your exacting requirements of "talented individuals who have shown extraordinary originality and dedication in their creative pursuits and a marked capacity for self-direction."

Talented? Whose composition and performance of the Kazoo Concerto in D Minor has left the crowned heads of Europe in awe, the sultans of Brunei in amazement, and my sisters in tears?

Originality? Who, I ask, was the inventor and patron of the Super-Duper Salami Sandwich, a dazzling array of hard salami, Miracle Whip, and white bread most famous for boldly eschewing the constraints of the traditional definition of "sandwich" by using salami as the outermost layer, rather than bread -- and this, at the tender age of 7?

Dedication? Who has dedicated years of her life to demanding that Cherry Coke receive the respect it is due, promoting its superiority and divinity, persevering in the face of opposition and that rotten Vanilla Coke, but remaining defiant and unbowed?

The answer of which you are clearly ignorant, O MacArthur Foundation, is me. If these things do not connote genius, then I do not know what does.

A silver lining to my storm clouds: at least no one I know was a recipient. If one of my sisters had received the fellowship before me, it would have just killed me.