Now that he can talk, I thought I could just ask him what he wanted and get it -- seems simple. But when asked what toy was nearest and dearest to his heart, all he could come up with was "I don't know." While outwardly I may applaud his non-materialistic nature, inside I'm just disgusted. How can he not know what he wants? At 5, I was ready to go months before every birthday with a tome of my every want and need, as dictated to me by the Sears catalogue, ranging from "Chapter 1: Dolls I Reallyreallyreally Want But I Know You'll Never Get Me Because You Hate Barbie Because She's Prettier Than You But Maybe We Can Compromise on Her Flat-Chested Kid Sister Skipper" to "Chapter 17: The Crap I'll Have To Settle For Because You Don't Love Me."
I guess if I had really wanted to win my way into the kid's heart, I'd have just gone out and found the biggest and baddest-ass box I could, because if there is anything this child loves, it's an empty box.
Especially a box he can share with the whole family.
Now there is a good time.
Anyway, in a fit of desperation, I googled "toys for 5 year olds" and clicked on a link to the "Top Ten Toys for 5-8 Year Olds, Boys or Girls."
Wow. Someone hates kids. Here's a sampling:
"Rock Tumbler - allows learning of different types of semi-precious stones, rocks, minerals, etc. Answers the, 'how did they get so smooth and shiny?'. Once rocks are tumbled, children can learn to make their own jewelry for themselves, friends, and family. Encourages creativity while learning some geology, and is a hobby you can share with your child."
I remember the rock tumbler commercials. It looked like an awesome thing for the kid who had all sorts of unpolished rubies and sapphires kicking around the house, but the rest of us knew we'd just be polishing up the local gravel right before tossing it back in the street where we found it. Besides, this business of setting your child up to make jewelry for everyone you know sounds suspiciously like "Sweatshops for Beginners."
"Weaving Looms - these can teach history, as well as being fun. Also, teaches creativity, expands imagination, and aids coordination. Looms are available in different fashions, not like the simple ones for making pot holders only. Children can make beaded, Native American style belts and bracelets, or yarn purses, headbands, and the old pot holder for mom or grandma. You can explain that this was how clothes and such were made in the old days, with looms."
I have fond, fond memories of the weaving loom we had when I was a kid. It was metal and lived in the garage with all the other lame-ass crap we got to inspire our creativity (in my case, this would include the make your own AM radio kit, the model airplane kit, and the other make your own AM radio kit). Sometimes we would pull it down off its dusty shelf and try to imagine ourselves doing something with it. If anyone ever did, it was before my time. As presents go, a gift that is supposed to inspire you to make clothing is clearly worse than the horror of actually receiving clothing. Who knew it was possible?
“Scrapbooking Kit - this could be a good project both indoors and outdoors. Go on photo excursions with your child when the weather is good. Share special times and make a scrapbook that will be remembered for many years. Use stickers, cut-outs, markers, photos, etc. Great family project.”
Ah, yes. What child wouldn’t prefer crafting their own scrapbook over watching TV, playing a game, or going outside? A child who knows what a cravat is, that’s who.
I think I may have ended up getting him a ball. Can't go wrong with a ball.
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