#6: Bathroom Fantasies

Although I has spent the last 13 years of my adult life in dorms and apartments, I still dream of owning my own home. Or, more precisely, I dream of owning my own bathroom, but it's hard to find one of those without a house wrapped around it. So, home ownership it is.

Certainly I won't be buying a home anytime soon, not least because my sum life savings are approximately $73.42 -- not quite enough for a down payment, even in these desperate times. The problem is that I know there is no home out there with a bathroom that will allow me to luxuriate in the fashion to which I will certainly one day become accustomed, and I'm not willing to settle for anything less.

I love taking baths. I always wanted to when I was a kid, but our mom was very opposed to them. When we did get a bath, it came with a scant 3 inches of water and no bubbles. What was the point? When pressed, she would mutter something about us getting infections, which I didn't understand then, and now just don't want to. As a grown-up, one of the many fine things I get to do, along with jumping on my bed and licking the frosting off doughnuts before throwing out the doughy part, is take a bath whenever I want. And I do, almost everyday. But my bathroom is lacking a few amenities.

1. A garden tub. At least I'm not so much of a spoiled princess that I demand a Whirlpool, but I want a tub deep enough and wide enough that my entire body can be submerged with room left over. I once had an apartment with one of these, and I miss it.

2. Shower separate from tub. I once stayed at a hotel that had this, and I really liked it. No doors or curtains obstructing the view from the tub.

3. A waterfall somewhere. Seriously, I really want this. Sure, I could just leave the shower on all the time to achieve nearly the same effect, but I think something essential would be lacking.

4. The toilet off in its own little closet. It's not that I'm offended by the sight of toilets; I just think that it'll disturb the mood somewhat if I'm reposing in blissful serenity and someone wanders in to take a crap.

5. Windows all around the tub. Privacy, schmivacy. I want to see the sky.

6. A bidet. I've heard some stories about them I'd like to put to the test . . .

7. A naked guy. I've heard some stories about these I'd like to put to the test, too.

8. A job I can work from the bathroom. This will probably require a waterproof computer.

So, as soon as I have the money for the house and the renovations, I can make this happen.