#3: Doing the Right Thing

First, a quick note for the burgeoning masses who I see are finding this journal while looking for Breaking Dawn reviews, spoilers, etc.: That post is down below here, titled “#1: Something something something.” I wouldn't really bother reading it; it's not very informative about the book. Seriously, go read the reviews on Amazon; you'll be better off.

Now, on to the show.

Since we live in an age where it is every man, woman, or child's duty to narc on their neighbor or family member, since I live in a town where I am instructed on a daily basis "If you see something, say something," and since I yearn for my 15 minutes of fame on the local news, I have decided to start outing people for the horrible crimes I have no doubt they are committing. Here are two of the worst.

#1

Ernie Elf

"Want a cookie, little boy?" he growls as he lures our innocent children to a treehouse, lost somewhere in the forest. Once there, he puts our precious snowflakes to work in his cookie sweatshop, demanding they labor untold hours in his kitchens, OSHA be damned. Masking his depravity with grandfatherly kindness, he is so bold as to televise his audacity, claiming that these are not lost children, but actual elves baking his delicious cookies! And the heartless masses, hungry for his concoctions, ignore the evidence of their own eyes to ease their consciences as they gobble down the last of a box of Grasshoppers.

Well, I'm blowing the whistle on this operation. When you see tomorrow's paper, the jolly old "elf" himself lead on his perp walk, the headline screaming "COOKIE EMPIRE CRUMBLES!" you'll know who to thank. Me.

#2

Miss Piggy

I had a conversation with Kermit the other day. It went something like this:

KERMIT

She used to just put a belt, a stick and a wrench on the kitchen table and say "choose."

INT. KERMIT'S APARTMENT -- FLASHBACK

A large, porky hand sets down a wrench next to a stick.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. MEGAN'S OFFICE -- DAY

MEGAN

Gotta go with the belt there...

KERMIT

I used to go with the wrench.

MEGAN

The wrench, why?

KERMIT

Cause fuck her, that's why.

A long quiet moment.

MEGAN

I don't know a lot, Kermit. But let me tell you one thing. All this history, this shit...  Look here, son.

KERMIT, who had been looking away, looks at MEGAN.

MEGAN (cont'd)

This is not your fault.

KERMIT

(nonchalant)

Oh, I know.

MEGAN

It's not your fault.

KERMIT

(smiles)

I know.

MEGAN

It's not your fault.

KERMIT

I know.

MEGAN

It's not your fault.

KERMIT

(dead serious)

I know.

MEGAN

It's not your fault.

KERMIT

Don't fuck with me.

MEGAN

(comes around desk, sits in front of KERMIT)

It's not your fault.

KERMIT

(tears start)

I know.

MEGAN

It's not...

KERMIT

(crying hard)

I know, I know...

It . . . wasn’t pretty.

Men, if you’re being abused by the beautiful, blond pig in your life, please realize that you are not alone. Get help. In the meantime, I’ll be doing my best to see Miss Piggy in the big house for what she’s done to that poor little frog.

Friends, I hope I can count on you to the right thing, too.