#5: Spit and Stuff

1 of 2

Do you, like millions of Americans, suffer from the heartbreak of poisonous spit? This disease strikes without consideration of age, race, sex, or nationality, leaving your friends, families, and loved ones with no recourse but to hock loogies in public or die a painful death at your feet.

It’s a mysterious condition that leaves scientists groping for answers to difficult questions. Is there a genetic cause? Is there some environmental source? And why is the spit only poisonous while still in the sufferer’s own mouth, having no effect whatsoever on a French kissing partner? We can only hope that answers will be found in our lifetimes.

The good news is: we’re searching for a cure. Here at the National Poisonous Spit Foundation, scientists are working round the clock to identify the root cause of poisonous spit and find a treatment that will allow you to one day swallow your own spit like a regular, polite adult.

How can you help?

Join the Foundation, contribute financially, lobby your Congressman, and help send a powerful message to Washington: we’re tired of poisonous spit.

And please, until we can find a cure, don’t judge that young man who just hocked one into your hair. You may have just saved his life.

2 of 2

You know that thing? The thing where I’m a lying liar and I never really mean what I say? Yeah, that thing. I am totally not going to give you another five posts tonight. I could have gone back to the post where I promised ten and edited it to five, and played innocent when someone called me on it, but I’ve decided I respect you way too much to do that.

So, instead of ten this weekend, I’m giving you five give this weekend, and one every evening this week, Monday through Friday. Definitely evenings, so don’t bother checking earlier in the day; it won’t happen. Also, I seem to be running short of topics, so if one of you would care to toss one into the ring, I might see what I can do with it.

Incidentally, I considered cheating by using pictures. You know, the old “picture is worth 1000 words” thing. See, one picture would then be worth two posts. Three pictures later, and I’m done. Even I am not that duplicitous, however (yes, I am; I just didn’t figure I could get away with it), so I refrained.

Another note to you Breaking Dawn people: seriously, there is nothing good to see here on that, so you might want to move it along now. And you should try reading some Neil Gaiman or Robin McKinley, too; they’re both way better. DON’T read that idiot Laurel K Hamilton; she blows the great big donkey balls. Honestly, she’s worth a post herself, regarding the incredible suckitude of her books. If one woman can single-handedly destroy the feminist agenda, it will be Ms. Hamilton.

And finally: the Michelin Man. Ribbed for her pleasure.