I’m getting ready to start painting my apartment after nine months of procrastinating, stressing, indecision, and panic attacks. Gosh, I just love creative endeavors.

As usual when I start trying to psych myself up for this painting thing, I’ve gone online looking for tips for the novice interior painter. Frankly, most of these sites suck some hairy, hairy ass. For instance:

Topcoat
The topcoat is the last coat of paint applied to the surface. Stir the paint before applying the topcoat. You may need to run the paint through a filter to remove dust and dirt from site work. Apply the manufacturer's recommended thickness of wet topcoat, backroll the paint, and measure the mil thickness in order to ensure the correct dry paint thickness. Backrolling can enhance the uniformity of the paint coating. Depending on the paint system selected, applying two lighter topcoats can provide a higher quality and more durable finish than applying one heavy topcoat, which can run.

THE. END.

But . . . but . . . wait! What about brushes? Which brushes do I use? And tape? Isn’t tape involved? Drop cloths? Breathing apparati? How to get the paint out of my hair after I bend over to roll my brush in it and my barrette pops out and my hair lands in the paint?

Lame. Completely lame.

Despite the shoddy instructions, it’s generally only ten minutes or so before I find myself caught up in a whirlwind of unrealistic ambition: “Yes, once I’ve finished applying my basic layer of tasteful, coordinated colors, I’ll begin the faux finishes! Ragging, sponging, combing . . . joy!”

Today I even went so far as to look up a little how-to on one of these faux finishes, marbling. “A distinctive appeal with a luxurious feeling . . .” the site coos, and my god, I want to believe. What will I need? “1 Natural Sea Sponge.” Okay, I think I’ve seen those with the fancy bubble bath stuff at the store. “Pointed Artist Brush (Available at art supply stores).” Hmmm, never heard of that, but I can go to an art store and ask. “Goose feather.” Right, one . . . what? For reals? How the fuck do I get one of those? Do I have to go find a goose to molest or can I rip apart a pillow and hope the feathers are goose-based?

It’s a sudden jerk back to reality, but it works. I think we all know I’ll be lucky not to accidentally kill myself while doing this painting thing. Cross fingers for no hospital time, okay?