My good stuff

Perhaps on this lazy Saturday you have been considering indulging in a spot of robbery, a little petty theft to while away the hours. Why rob a complete stranger when you could rob me instead?

Of course if you've met me, you know that the task of robbing my home can be a bit daunting. Stuff, clutter, crap -- what to take? To make things easier for you, I've put together a short guide to my good stuff.

Item #1: My bank.

"My milk bank brings all the boys to the yard . . ."

Purchased at St. Louis' Union Station, this fiscal repository is a must-have for the discerning thief. Standing a proud 12 or so inches high, this bank is guaranteed for a short time only to contain actual money -- some of which is genuine US currency! Don't let someone else beat you to this -- steal it now!

Item #2: My purse.

Adorable and affordable! But what will you find inside? Count on library cards, hair pins, pen caps, and tampons, but anything else will be a surprise! This is the swag you brag about at parties.

Item #3: My headband

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay . . ."

With Fathers' Day swiftly approaching, I know at least one of you was wondering what to get the family patriarch, and what finer gift than this lovely headband? Sporting genuine fake diamonds, the dad in your life will be able to relax and get in touch with his inner pretty, pretty princess as he sashays through an oil change, preens at a baseball game, and prances around the barbeque. As the handsome Bear modeling this fine accessory proves, his basic manliness will still shine through.

Item #4: My Pirate Scarf

"Savvy?"

The trés chic touch of Caribbean elegance! Pair this scarf with a single gold earring and you're ready for Talk Like a Pirate Day or some of that kinky Johnny Depp role play that's the only way to get him on his knees for you.