As I was flipping through the 783 channels on my TV the other night, slouched in my comfy blue chair, drool running down my chin, I happened upon Forrest Gump. Much like Everybody Loves Raymond, Bring It On 4: In It to Win It, and Law and Order*, Forrest Gump is always playing, all the time on some channel. Since it was the best thing on (or perhaps I mean "least bad"), I watched it to the finish. "That's not as bad as everyone says it is. Prolly they just say so because they're jaded hipsters." And I went about my merry way.
Four days later, the subtle genius of the cruelty of Forrest Gump has unmistakably emerged. For four days I've had lines from the movie running through my head -- always Forrest's lines, always spoken in Tom Hank's trademark Retarded Southerner with a Cold drawl. And my brain slows them down to emphasize the accent! "Aaaaaaahh'm not a smaaaaaaaaht maaaaaaaaayaaaannnnnn, Jennnnnnnie, but Ahhhh kndowwwwwwwwwww whaaaat lovvvvve iiiissssss." Zomg.
And now I'm in my room, saying them out loud, hoping maybe that'll purge them from my brain. And it's not working. Because that's a STUPID idea and never works and it's the evil of Forrest Gump convincing me that that's a smart plan. Aaaaaaahh'm not a smaaaaaaaaht wooomaaaaaaaaayaaaannnnnn, but Ahhhh kndowwwwwwwwwww whaaaat a dummmmmb ahhhhhhdeaaaaa loooooks liiiiiiiiike.
I fully expect this condition to escalate until I turn to the person next to me on the train and inform them that "Maaaamaaaaa alwayyyyyyys saaaaaid, dahhhhhhhhhing waaaas a paaaaaaaht offff liiiiiiiife," and then they'll call the train police (crazy people have to ride on the CTA to be tolerated; I take the Metra) and then I'll get hauled off as a terrorist and you'll never hear from me again because we don't like to send terrorists to trial in this country.
So, in summary: Fuck you, Forrest Gump.
*I actually typed Lawn and Order there, and isn't that the best name for a gardening show ever? A really anal gardening show. Everything in a row. All leaves must be picked up as soon as they fall. Gardening for the Type A.
3 comments:
ah may not beeeee a smaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaht maaaaaaaaaayun, jennnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiiie, but ah knooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat a baaaaaaaaaad moooooooooviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie iiiiiiiiiiiiiius.
(god i hate that fukcing movie. hate it. call me a jaded hipster or whatever, but that movie doesn't just suck, it swallows.)
It's a movie you are only allowed to watch once. Obviously, that's all it takes for one to memorize it simply by accident...
I always get the "me and jenny went together like peyyys and cawruuutts" stuck in my head. And Martha Stewart should so host Lawn and Order.
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