You probably don't know this -- and I know you don't know this because I know you, and you never watch the news or read the papers or ever venture on-line, and you're a freak, but Lord help me, I just can't quit you -- but it's frickin' cold here. Cold in that way where when you go outside and you try to breathe through your nose, you just can't, because first it burns and stings like your genitals 4-6 weeks after a night with the temple hooker (what? I said your genitals, not mine), then the sides of your nostrils stick together because the boogers have frozen, and it's an interesting feeling, but not satisfying -- satisfying in that way it's satisfying when you have a crusty hook on one end of a booger, and the other end just goes on and on and on into your skull, so that when you pull on that crusty end it extracts a line of elastic and springy mucus that was connected to your brain stem, so pulling it out feels just awfully nice -- but definitely interesting.

Someday when scholars of ancient English are sitting in their crappy classroom in the most rundown building on campus (because the Poultry Science students will still be getting the nice buildings and the Ancient Languages students will still get the buildings that serve as mating grounds for beetles), they will be cursing me for the convoluted nature of that sentence and wondering why they didn't just major in business/engineering/education like their mothers told them to.