A Plea for Pity

I had a difficult morning. My apartment, though thoroughly splendid, can’t help but be a little chilly in the mornings. My bedroom retains heat so wonderfully, I turn the heat down at night, close my bedroom door, and I’m completely toasty until morning. Morning sucks, though, since I have to open the door and shiver my way over to the bathroom, shiver my way into a shower, shiver out of the shower, and shiver through another 20 minutes until I’m all dry.

And I was very sleepy this morning. In spite of my best resolutions, I’ve worked quite late the last two nights, and I’m a bit sleep deprived. When I woke up this morning, I could only account for the whereabouts of about 2% of my brain. Stupid brain.

I’m just trying to make you understand how the following was possible.

Wrapped in my towel, bleary-eyed and wet-headed, I was bent over drying my hair. And it was taking forever. And I was cold. So I decided to give up. I flipped the switch on the dryer and – nothing. Or rather, still something. The stupid thing was still on.

I panicked. How could I get it to turn off with the switch broken? I kept flipping it back and forth, hoping that maybe it had just forgotten what it was supposed to do next, maybe a little memory jog would remind it. No luck. How could I go to work today when my dryer won’t turn off? Can I prop it up somewhere and count on it not to fall over and not to burn the apartment down? Maybe put the handle in a cup, say, a cup weighted down inside with rocks to prevent it from tipping over? Probably not. Holy crap, I’m going to have to call into work sick because I can’t get the dryer to turn off! But I can’t call in, it’s Friday, all my reports and files are due today! Can I work from home, holding the dryer up in one hand and working Excel with the other? Everything will take so long! Goddamnit, there’s no other choice, I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO CUT THE GODDAMN WIRE AND MAYBE I’LL GET ELECTROCUTED BUT THAT’S A RISK I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

About the time I decided to slash through the wire with a knife, it suddenly occurred to me that the cord led somewhere, led to . . . a plug . . . and, say . . . isn’t there something else I can maybe try and see if it would maybe work . . .?

I unplugged the dryer and went on with my life.

Did I say I had 2% of my brain this morning? Maybe I overestimated.